


It's Not Easy (Being Stuck With You Tonight)

by xhorizen



Category: Glee
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, Emotional Infidelity, Friends to Lovers, Infidelity, M/M, Slow Burn, kind of threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xhorizen/pseuds/xhorizen
Summary: Blaine had the perfect life – He was married to the man of his dreams, they lived with their best friend in the greatest city in the world, and he had everything he had ever dreamed of. Never mind the crippling depression and anxiety he dealt with each day he failed to book a job, and the lack of happiness he had in his marriage. One night, everything gets turned upside down and everything Blaine thought he knew was gone. How will he manage to pick up the pieces and try to make sense of his life again?
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel/Sebastian Smythe, Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe
Comments: 9
Kudos: 26
Collections: Blaine Big Bang 2020





	1. It’s Not A Walk In The Park to Love Each Other

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I'm actually POSTING this fic! When I started this in September for the BlaineBigBang, I wasn't actually too sure what I got involved in, but it was a whirlwind. This is the first big bang I've participated in and it's been so much fun, I am beyond grateful to those who run it for doing so! 
> 
> I need to thank my beta, best friend, and constant cheerleader [TragicLove](/users/TragicLove/). Thank you for pushing me to write when I would get too in my head to do it, for reading this fic over and over for a fandom you aren't even in, and believing that I could actually finish this when I really wasn't sure I would! 
> 
> Thank you also to [TheGreatGothamRewatch](https://tumblr.com/thegreatgothamrewatch) for your artwork! Her artwork can be found [HERE](https://thegreatgothamrewatch.tumblr.com/post/611002081667612672/its-not-easy-being-stuck-with-you-tonight)! Thank you so much for reading my story, even when it wasn't finished, and coming up with artwork to help bring it to life. I am so happy with everything you created! 
> 
> Each chapter is titled after a song and I've also made a Spotify playlist to go with it. The first song is my inspiration for the name of my fic, the next 12 are in order from the chapters titles, and the rest are songs that inspired me while writing. If you're interested in listening, you can do so by clicking [HERE](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/05jQrTuvUyN40FDY9H77Vq?si=XHmsV3waRG-bs5Yw_5YTLA)!
> 
> Thank you for reading and hope you enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from Meadowlark cover of Still Into You by Paramore  
> 
> 
>   
>  _  
> Some things just, some things just make sense  
>  And one of those is you and I  
> Some things just, some things just make sense  
> And even after all this time_   
> 

Friday night dinners were the highlight of Blaine’s week. He knew it sounded weird that, as a 28 year old man, his favorite tradition was getting together with his husband and all of their friends from high school to get together to discuss their weeks, but Blaine treasured those moments. He always felt lucky that he had the friends that he did who loved him and cared about him as much as they did. He knew that no matter what his job was or where he lived, he could count on his group of people, his chosen family, to always be by his side. 

Most Friday night dinners had a theme with sign ups for food because it only took the group two weeks of everyone bringing chips and dip for dinner to realize that something had to be done to ensure that each meal was actually a meal and not a bunch of side dishes. Mexican night was Blaine’s favorite because Santana and Brittany would always bring homemade tamales that made Blaine swoon and profess his love to each of the girls in between stuffing his face with each heavenly portion. Mexican night was almost always hosted at the Smythe/Anderson/Hummel apartment in Brooklyn. They made the mistake of once having it at Rachel’s loft in Tribeca and Seb and Kurt practically had to roll Blaine back home. 

Living together with Sebastian and Kurt was an adventure, to say the least. When Kurt graduated from NYADA, Sebastian and Blaine had been looking into moving in together, and when it came down to it, they decided that renting a place in Brooklyn for the three of them would be a lot more beneficial than trying to find affordable housing for themselves separately. Kurt had had his reservations about living with Sebastian - after all, he had, at one point, been a complete jerk to Kurt for no reason other than jealousy, but Sebastian had worked to prove that he had grown up and matured since he graduated high school. Once they moved in, though, there was little adjustment period as all three of them fell into a great groove. Kurt cooked most days, Blaine did the laundry and cleaned the bathrooms while Sebastian did all of the grocery shopping and swept and mopped the hardwood floors at least twice a week. It may have been a little unconventional, but Blaine loved his life and he loved that he didn’t have to be without his two favorite people. 

So many things had changed for Blaine since high school - after Kurt and he had broken up, they still remained friends, best friends, actually. They were in contact almost every single day whether on the phone or just texting, and sent each other silly pictures to show the other they were thinking about them. He had remained convinced that they would end up together, Kurt was his soulmate of course, but once he was accepted into NYADA and moved out to New York himself, he realized that they really, truly were meant to only be friends. The realization stung a bit, he couldn’t lie there, but he would rather have Kurt in his life platonically than not at all, so he got over himself as quickly as possible and foraged on in his life. 

Running into Sebastian was a surprise, one of the biggest he’d had since moving to New York.. He was at some hole in the wall coffee shop during a lunch break at school when the guy in front of him took a step back and bumped into him, causing him to drop his phone to the ground. Quiet curses rang under his breath as he went to sweep up his phone, cringing as he turned it over, praying that the screen wasn’t cracked, when a familiar voice spoke.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Mr. Teenage Dream himself!” Blaine had blushed at the comment, but couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face at seeing a familiar face. 

From that point on, they had become inseparable, going to the movies or out to dinner or just hanging out and watching TV. They became quick friends, picking up where they had left off the couple of years before, making Blaine realize just how much he enjoyed being in Sebastian’s company. It took almost a year of reconnecting before they got together, and even then, Seb seemed to be almost reluctant.

“You mean so much to me, Blaine, I don’t want to mess up our friendship. I’m doing the med school track thing and I’m not gonna have a lot of time and I don’t want you to resent me for it..” Sebastian had argued the same point for almost an entire week before Blaine put a hand over his mouth to shut him up. 

“Don’t you think I’ve already thought of all that? I want to be with you, you idiot, no matter what we have to go through to get there.” They’d shared their first kiss seconds later, and the rest was history.

Well, it was pseudohistory, anyway, considering they were both still only 20-somethings in the prime of their lives, living the dream. Or trying to, as the case was with Blaine. The BFA he got from NYADA did little to no good to him when he couldn’t get a call back to save his life and he couldn’t even keep an agent because he had such a hard time finding work in the business - and they didn’t want to work for free. He had never had a hard time finding any kind of acting or singing work in his entire life, and now that his career was depending on it, he was drowning in student loan debt and zero prospects. 

Yours, Sincerely was a small hipster bar in Brooklyn that Blaine had gotten a job at once he turned 21. With his auditions not turning anything up, the job had soon become his only saving grace when it came time to pay the bills. He worked as many hours as he could, and then a few more added on top of that. There were days that he felt like he didn’t even leave the bar before he had to be back again, but the money was too good to pass up. He liked working there, he had regulars who felt like friends and it was easy enough to find someone to cover a shift when he went to an audition, but the longer he worked there, the more he felt like a failure. The old joke that goes “The only kind of job you can get with a BFA starts with ‘would you like fries with that?’” rang more true with every year that passed without getting any kind of job relevant to his degree. Calls to his parents became more and more infrequent before Blaine just stopped calling them altogether - he couldn’t bear to keep delivering the same news that yes, he still worked as a bartender, and no, he hadn’t booked a real job yet. He hated turning on his TV anymore because his brother, Cooper, had moved on from commercials and gotten his big break in some action film with the possibility for up to five sequels and his face was everywhere. While Blaine was happy for him, it was next to impossible to feign happiness for too long before he just felt like he was being left behind. 

Living with Sebastian and Kurt was a lesson in grace itself. Kurt had landed the lead role in a brand new primetime sitcom about professional dog walkers and their lives titled “Already Been Chewed” when he was 26 and it had been doing so well that it was on its fourth season and was renewed up to season six already and Kurt wasn’t even 30 yet. It was much easier for Blaine to be happy for Kurt because, even though he was slightly jealous, he and Kurt were best friends and he didn’t really feel like there was any kind of competition between them anymore. They’d left that all behind in high school and Blaine couldn’t be more grateful for it. Kurt had bought the apartment they lived after the first year of his show and was gracious enough to give them a great deal on rent every month. The great deal was mostly whatever Blaine could scrounge up after paying his student loans and other required bills every month. He and Sebastian knew they were living in the lap of luxury and made sure never to take Kurt for granted because of it.

Medical school and a residency for Sebastian had cost them a lot of time and patience over the years. Sebastian was lucky enough that his parents fully funded his education, so he had no debt to speak of and everything went toward any fun things he and Blaine wanted to do. They were also saving money to buy their own house at some point, and then “of course to have” a baby or two, but that wasn’t for a few more years at least. Blaine didn’t get to see his husband as much as he wanted to most of the time, but it would all be worth it once he graduated and had a steady, well paying job. At least, that’s what he told himself every night he fell asleep alone. 

Mexican night always had a lot of preparations to make before everyone got there. There were tomatoes to be cut, taco shells to heat up, and the rest of the toppings to get assembled. Blaine usually ended up running around the kitchen like a chicken with its head cut off trying to get everything done, but it always turned out perfect in the end. Keys in the front door lock alerted Blaine to Kurt or Sebastian coming home and a small smile formed on his face, glad to be able to see his husband or his best friend. 

“Honey, I’m home!” Kurt’s voice trilled through the living room and into the kitchen and Blaine couldn’t help that his smile grew even bigger. Kurt always came home that way, he said it made him feel as fabulous as Lucille Ball, and it never failed to make Blaine happy, no matter how miserable of a day he’d had. 

“In the kitchen!” Blaine called out, turning back to getting all of the toppings setup. “Did you grab the-”

“The sour cream?” Kurt appeared next to him, a container of sour cream in his hand. “Sure did.” Kurt gave him a light kiss on the cheek before placing it on the counter and heading to the fridge. 

“This isn’t sour cream, this is some vegan substitute crap!” Blaine looked down at the lid and made a disgusted face. “Just because Rachel eats vegan doesn’t mean we have to!” 

“Oh, stop being such a baby, Blaine. It tastes just like the regular stuff and you know how much it means to Rachel when we think of her where this stuff is concerned.” 

Blaine rolled his eyes, but Kurt’s way of making everything into a positive was contagious, so he just shrugged and let the calm Kurt exuded wash over him. A bottle of wine was opened and two glasses poured in short time and Blaine took the one offered to him without hesitation. He’d only worked from noon to six at the bar, but they’d been slammed and he needed a drink more than ever. 

“How was work?” Kurt leaned against the counter and looked over at him, raising an eyebrow at how quickly the wine was disappearing from Blaine’s glass. 

“It was work.” He sighed and put the glass down, turning to face his best friend. “We were really busy and I barely even had time to breathe. My anxiety was a little all over the place and I was practically scratching out of my skin by the time I was able to leave.” 

“Did you take your meds?” Kurt’s face was full of concern and most of the time, Blaine appreciated that he cared enough to worry, but sometimes he felt like he was being patronized and he absolutely hated that. 

“Yes, Kurt, I took my meds, I’m not a child.” Blaine turned back to the counter and angrily grabbed the knife he was using, attacking a head of lettuce like it had killed his dog. Silence filled the room for a few beats until a hand on his lower back made him jump.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that, B.” Kurt rested his chin on Blaine’s shoulder and slipped his arms around his waist, obviously asking for forgiveness. Blaine sighed and placed the knife on the cutting board as he let his eyes slip closed to relax into Kurt’s embrace. 

“I just get sick of feeling broken and having it pointed out to me.” 

“You’re not broken, Blaine. You have anxiety and depression that is managed with medication and therapy. You’re perfectly you, and I would never say anything to try to make you feel less.” Kurt’s voice came out as a whisper against Blaine’s ear and he felt a sense of comfort wash over him. 

“You’re cheesy as hell, you know that right?” Blaine opened his eyes and picked up the knife again. A quick glance at the clock made him cringe. “Can you start putting this stuff on the table? Everyone should be here soon.”

As if on cue, a knock came from the front door followed by a jiggling at the knob before the door opened. “Sup bitches, the fun has arrived!”


	2. We Had Love, Now it Don’t Matter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from Used to Be by Jonas Brothers  
> 
> 
> _Lately I don't even know ya  
>  Too many devils on your shoulder, shoulder  
> Oh my God  
> Baby, if it's what you want  
> I just wanna see you happy  
> I can see it in your eyes  
> And you don't believe me  
> I don't like  
> Even though you're not mine_

Santana at 29 was more intense than Santana at 18, if there was ever any question. Blaine loved her to death, they’d gotten close over the years, and he had grown to appreciate how loud and open she was about her life. She liked making announcements, being obnoxious, and making herself heard by force. Blaine might not use that approach himself, but he really looked up to her for commanding attention so fearlessly. 

Even when it was in his ear during the entirety of Friday night dinner. 

“Santana, can you shut up for two seconds, Blaine’s ears could use a break from your shit!” Kurt glared at the woman playfully from across the table as Blaine laughed. 

“Excuse you, Porcelain, but Blaine happens to love it when I scream in his ear for hours.” 

Sebastian couldn’t hold back a snort and loudly guffawed from his place on Blaine’s other side. “Oh honey, the only one person he enjoys screaming in his ear for hours is me.” 

“Touche, Doctor Gay, touche.” Santana leaned back in her seat and slipped an arm around the back of Brittany’s chair on her other side. Blaine just laughed at the interaction between his friends as he finished his sixth tamale. He was little, but he sure knew how to pack it in. 

“Alright everyone!” Rachel stood up from her spot at the end of the table and clapped her hands together. “I have some big news to share and I’d appreciate it if everyone could please be quiet!” 

Kurt’s eye roll wasn’t missed by anyone at the table, least of all by Blaine, but everyone did as she requested and quieted down. 

“I got a call from the producer for _Mean Girls_ today and I got the part of Cady!” Her voice went up in pitch to the point of screeching by the end of her sentence and it took everything in Blaine not to plug his ears for protection. 

“Rachel, that’s great!” Kurt jumped up from his seat and threw his arms around her. Everyone else rang out in a chorus of congratulations while Rachel basked in the attention. Blaine tried to keep the smile on his face, he was genuinely happy for her, but there was such a large part of him that was jealous beyond measure that he could barely keep it in check. In order to save face, he quickly grabbed his plate and a couple more of the dirty ones off the table and excused himself to the kitchen. 

He put the dishes in the sink before leaning against it, closing his eyes and trying to take deep, calming breaths. Arms slipped around his waist and he leaned back into the embrace gratefully. 

“Your time will come.” Sebastian whispered into his ear as he placed a kiss to Blaine’s temple. “She’s had her share of bad luck too, B, you know that.” 

Blaine sighed and pulled away from Sebastian, not wanting to hear what he had to say. As much as he loved his husband, he really hated feeling like he was being patronized and anything to do with his inability to find work in the acting field was only ever that. “I know, I know.” 

“Hey, don’t do that.” Sebastian reached out and grabbed Blaine’s wrist, pulling him back to his chest gently. “I love you, you know that. I just don’t want you to get into a dark place again because you start comparing yourself to our friends.”

Blaine didn’t know what to say because honestly, he just wanted to cry. He wanted to cry and scream at the sky and demand answers for why, after 5 solid years of auditioning and working his butt off, it still wasn’t his turn. Rachel had gotten her dream role on Broadway not once, but twice now, and had always had a steady stream of work. Kurt had his TV show, and everyone else had their amazing positions in their respective jobs. He was the only one still working a dead end job in order to make ends meet and he hated it. Sebastian didn’t want him to compare himself to their friends, but he couldn’t help it when he was literally the only one being left behind. He was almost 30, for crying out loud! How could he still be a bartender when everyone else was busy growing up?

“B, you okay? You’ve been in here…” Kurt walked into the kitchen and trailed off when Blaine caught his eye. “Oh, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.” 

“You’re not.” Blaine said abruptly, pulling away from his husband. Sebastian sighed and shook his head, but let him go. 

“I love you.” He said before leaving the room. Blaine couldn’t even give him a response. 

Kurt walked up to him and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, pulling Blaine as close to him as he possibly could. Blaine tried to resist at first, not wanting to be babied, especially when they had company in the other room, but the smell of Kurt’s cologne was enough to make him break down. He buried his face into Kurt’s sweater and inhaled the scent, trying to calm himself down enough that he wouldn’t start crying. 

“You wanna talk about it?” 

Blaine shook his head. He slid his arms around Kurt’s waist and squeezed him tight, trying to communicate everything he could possibly want to say in the embrace. Kurt always knew exactly what he was thinking. 

They stood like that for a few minutes before Blaine finally pulled away, knowing their presence was definitely noticed. “We should probably go back in there.” He mumbled, casting his eyes to the ground. 

“Only if you can handle it.” Kurt held his hand out and Blaine smiled, taking it in his own and giving it a squeeze. 

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He wasn’t even just saying something his friend wanted to hear. He completely believed that as long as he had Kurt, he would always be okay. 

\--

After everyone left and the kitchen was cleaned up, Blaine hopped in the shower, hoping that some hot water would help him get out of the funk his mind had settled in. He had only just gotten his hair wet when the door to the stall opened and he felt someone push into his space. A flash of irritation went through him, he’d wanted alone time, but then he shook his head and opened his eyes, giving Sebastian a quick smile. The look of adoration on his husband’s face was enough to make him instantly feel guilty for feeling irritated, so he reached out and grabbed Sebastian by the shoulders, pulling him under the spray. 

“How was your day?” Blaine threaded his fingers through Sebastian’s hair as the water saturated it, sticking to Sebastian’s head and forehead.

“Fine.” He answered with a quick smile before ducking down and placing a kiss on Blaine’s lips. “Got to take lead on a surgery today, that was pretty awesome.” 

Blaine smiled and pressed himself closer to his husband. Talking about the amazing things he got to do at work always got him excited and ready to go, so of course Blaine would oblige him. “Oh yeah? That’s pretty hot, was everyone super impressed with your surgical skills?” 

“As a matter of fact, my attending was so impressed that-” Sebastian got cut off by a loud yell coming from somewhere in the apartment. They both froze and looked at the door, expecting someone to come bursting in, but instead, another scream sounded and without even thinking about it, Blaine jumped out of the shower, grabbing a towel almost as an afterthought, wrapping it around his waist as he ran into the living room. 

Where he was greeted by the sight of Kurt standing on the couch, whipping his head back and forth from one side of the room to the other.

“Kurt, what’s wron-” Blaine’s question was cut off by Kurt jumping off of the couch and running to him. 

“RAT! There’s a- a- there’s a rat! Running around the living room! It’s as big as a cat!” Kurt cowered behind him and pointed at the floor near the couch. “As soon as I screamed, it ran under there. It was trying to eat its way through the bottom to get me!” 

Blaine had a hard time keeping a straight face, but his degree finally came to some good use - he kept it cool and didn’t laugh or make fun of his best friend. “Okay, Kurt, just stay back, I’m going to look and-” 

“NO!” Kurt shouted, reaching out and grabbing Blaine’s wrist. “It’s too big, it’ll eat you, you’re smaller than me!” 

A chuckle made its way up from Blaine’s throat before he had time to hold it back.”Kurt, stop it. I know you’re terrified of rats, but it’s not gonna kill me.” 

“Yeah, you say that now, buckeroo.” Kurt mumbled under his breath, but he dropped Blaine’s wrist before retreating to the far wall of the room. Blaine shook his head and smiled before going to the couch and dropping to his knees. He couldn’t see anything anywhere, except for a pair of socks and…

“Kurt, there’s nothing under here but socks and a used condom, which, by the way, is absolutely disgusting!” Blaine got to his feet and glared over at Kurt with a frown on his face.

“How do you know it’s my condom?” Kurt exclaimed, the rat temporarily forgotten. “There are two other gay guys that live here, Blaine!” 

Blaine scrubbed a hand over his face before sighing. “I know it’s your condom because Sebastian and I haven’t had sex on this couch since 2020 when you walked in on us.” He paused and turned around, giving Kurt a playful wink before he spoke again. “We also don’t use condoms.” 

Kurt’s face turned red as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Regardless! The rat, Blaine, where is the rat? How is it not under there? I swear I wasn’t just seeing things, I know what a rat looks like.”

Blaine shrugged and then looked around the room, trying to find a possible culprit for the rat Kurt had seen. He went over to the recliner and looked under it with no luck, and there was nothing under the TV stand or the coffee table. “I don’t know what to tell ya, Kurt, but there’s nothing here.” 

Kurt gave Blaine one of his best bitchy looks before shaking his head. “It is here, Blaine, no matter what you may think. It’s just biding its time and waiting for us to let our guard down.” 

Blaine shook his head and turned to head back to the bathroom - he was suddenly aching for a shower with his husband. 

“Sorry babe, Kurt thought that-” Blaine stopped as he walked back into the bathroom and saw Sebastian standing at the counter, pajamas on and brushing his teeth. “Oh. I didn’t realize you weren’t gonna wait for me.” 

Sebastian spit out the toothpaste and rinsed his mouth out before speaking, giving Blaine a look he couldn’t quite place. It looked almost angry mixed with something else - jealousy? “I did wait, Blaine, but then you were gone for ten minutes and I got tired of waiting, so I just finished myself off.” 

“Oh.” Hurt and shame flooded through Blaine as he realized what Sebastian meant. “Well then, I’ll just…” he trailed off as he dropped the towel to the floor and stepped inside of the shower again, turning the hot water on as hot as it would go. He felt bad that he’d left Sebastian alone, he really did, but at the same time, couldn’t he have been a little more understanding? Kurt screamed like he was being _murdered_ for crying out loud, shouldn’t he be getting brownie points for checking on his friend? 

Something tickled at the back of Blaine’s mind, something that felt suspiciously like anger and resentment, but he quickly pushed those thoughts down and buried them under everything he could, just the same as he did every time those feelings came up. Anger and resentment would only cause problems, problems that Blaine couldn’t deal with and problems that Sebastian didn’t deserve. It was no big deal... right?


	3. I Let You Down, I’m That Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from I Let You Down, I'm That Mistake by SHY Martin  
> 
> 
> _You told me in a letter  
>  You can love me better than before  
> Like you live for me  
> I would never let you lose yourself to prove me wrong_  
> 

Auditions were mostly awful and super tiring and Blaine hated how much they threw off his schedule. Sure, a performer needs to be flexible, but one thing he had learned about himself while managing his depression and anxiety was that a routine was good. It kept him knowing what to expect on a day to day basis so as not to rock his brain too much and it helped. But he wanted to be an actor, and being an actor meant going on auditions for roles, and auditions for roles meant routine shifting and if he thought about it too much, he was sure his head would explode. 

The audition he was heading to wasn’t just any audition though - no, it was a third call back for the main male lead role in a show on Broadway, a new musical sent to him early in the summer. While Blaine tried not to get his hopes up, the director had been giving him great feedback after the last two auditions and they really seemed to like him for the role. He could almost taste the air of the Belasco Theater for how sure he was of getting the role. 

Nerves had his stomach in knots for the entire week leading up to the audition and he threw up more food than he kept down. He wasn’t doing it on purpose, he wasn’t stupid, but anything sitting in his stomach was subject to the butterflies rolling through it 24/7 and he couldn’t do anything about it. The morning of the audition, he managed to have a glass of orange juice and a couple of scrambled eggs before heading off. He made it to the audition almost an hour early, not having wanted to chance the subway putting a kink in his schedule, and he paced back and forth almost the entire time, waiting for his name to be called. 

The audition went by in a blur - he couldn’t even remember the scene they’d asked him to act out even though he had spent the previous two weeks memorizing the entire script. The only thing he remembered was walking off the stage with a huge smile on his face and seeing that smile mirrored back at him from the director and casting agent. They told him they’d be in contact with him later that day with their decision and Blaine had practically floated home. He had such a positive feeling about the role, he knew he was going to get it, he just knew it! 

Kurt was at the kitchen table when he got home. Blaine couldn’t stop himself from sweeping him up into his arms and giving him a kiss on the cheek as he danced Kurt around the kitchen. Kurt laughed and went along with his crazy antics, not even giving him a questioning look as they waltzed around the room. After a few minutes, Blaine finally let Kurt go and they both sat down at the table, winded. 

“What do I owe the pleasure of that dance to?” Kurt leaned against the table and propped himself up on one elbow. 

“I had my final call back audition for that Broadway musical I’ve been talking about all month!” Blaine’s smile could have lit up the entirety of Brooklyn, he was sure, judging from how sore his cheeks were already from how big it was. 

“Oh my god, Blaine! I completely forgot that was today, I’m the worst!” Kurt jumped up from his chair and ran to the fridge, pulling a bottle out before he headed back to rejoin Blaine. “I wanted to greet you with this when you got home, I don’t know why it completely left my head!” The bottle was popped and champagne flooded over the top, causing both men to laugh. 

“You’re busy, you have your own life, it’s okay. I don’t need to be treated special.” Blaine knew the words he spoke were a little bit false, if not completely false, but he never wanted to feel like he was a burden on anyone.

“Oh shut up and drink, you know this is cause for celebration!” Kurt thrust the bottle at Blaine and he took a long sip before he handed it back to his best friend. 

“To great auditions!” He called out happily. 

“To great auditions!” Kurt echoed.

—

The bottle of champagne had only barely just been consumed when Blaine’s phone rang. He looked down at the screen and then back up at Kurt with what he was sure was pure terror on his face. 

“Oh god, oh god, oh god, it’s them!” 

Kurt gestured pointedly at his phone. “Answer it!” The smile on Kurt’s face was contagious and Blaine found himself grinning back almost immediately. He picked up the phone and took a deep breath, trying to compose himself so as not to sound drunk as soon as he answered. 

“This is Blaine Anderson.” 

Kurt shot him a thumbs up as he was greeted on the other line. Hope and happiness flowed through every vein in Blaine’s body and he knew he had gotten the role - he had to have. 

Blaine could feel the smile melting off of his face as the casting agent started speaking on the other line. Kurt has stopped smiling as well and had stepped into his space, putting a hand on Blaine’s shoulder, which he promptly shrugged off. He only heard white noise from the other end of the line as the rejection rang over and over in his head. 

_“We’re sorry to say that we went with the other finalist. You just weren’t quite what we were looking for.”_

The end of the call happened without his knowledge. He didn’t even remember saying goodbye or really anything after the first words for that matter, but suddenly he realized he was sitting on the floor of the living room, his cell phone face down next to him as tears fell down his face. 

“Blaine…” Kurt trailed off as he sat down in front of his best friend, placing a hand on one of Blaine’s knees. 

“I wasn’t quite what they were looking for.” His voice broke on the last word, unable to maintain the little composure he had left. 

“Oh, Blaine.” Kurt got to his knees and made his way to Blaine’s side, wrapping him in a hug as soon as he was able to. “They’re stupid, you know casting directors are blind!” 

“This always happens though, Kurt. I get so close and then I’m just not good enough.” He pulled back from Kurt’s embrace and pushed himself up off of the floor to his feet. He was feeling restless, needing to go somewhere and do something, possibly punch a wall or jump off the Manhattan bridge. 

Jump off the Manhattan bridge. That was a good idea. 

He started for the door, but as soon as he took a step, Kurt was in front of him. 

“Blaine, I don’t know what you’re thinking right now, but you need to stop. I know you’re upset, I know you’re hurt, but you can’t give up!”

Blaine felt the glare that was aimed at his best friend as his words soaked into him. “I’m sorry, you know I’m upset? You know I’m hurt, but I can’t give up? What the hell do you know about that, Mr. NBC Golden Child Kurt Hummel, star of the highest grossing sitcom in NBC history! You live in a fancy apartment, you buy fancy clothes, sleep with fancy men, and you want to talk to me about how I can’t give up?” Anger flooded through Blaine, he wanted nothing more than to swing his fist at Kurt’s perfect, beautiful face, and watch it break to pieces. 

“Oh really?” Kurt crossed his arms in front of his chest and gave Blaine his best glare right back. “Do you recall the times that I was bullied in high school? How about the time I tried out for the male lead in the school play and was deemed ‘not manly enough’? Tell me about all of the times I got stuck in the background because I wasn’t afraid to be the person I am!” Kurt’s voice rose as he continued. “It’s like you think the past four years have erased everything I’ve gone through in my entire life, Blaine! I went to high school with you, competing against you the entire time! You got the male leads in the school plays without even having to audition, you got the solos, you got the straight pass, Blaine, not me! I’ve worked my ass off since I was a kid to try to make my dreams come true and then they finally did. If you want to resent me for that, then fine. Go ahead, resent me. But don’t you think for a single second that I don’t know exactly how you’re feeling right now.” 

Every single ounce of anger inside of Blaine died down the more Kurt talked. By the end of his speech, Blaine’s chin was trembling and he was looking at the ground, ashamed of attacking the one person in the world who always just got him. 

“I just want to be good enough for once.” He whispered as he walked to the couch and collapsed onto it. 

“You are always good enough Blaine, for every single person who knows you and loves you.” Kurt sat down next to him and leaned his shoulder against one of Blaine’s. “This is a set back, it’s not the end of the road.” 

“No, Kurt, you don’t get it. I’ve never been good enough.” Tears welled up in his eyes and fell down his cheeks as he stared down at his hands in his lap. “I wasn’t a good enough son for my dad, a good enough brother for Cooper, a good enough anything for anyone. I have a charmed life and all I can do is think of all of the ways I want to kill myself every single day.” He looked up at Kurt and caught his eyes. “I wasn’t good enough for you, and I have to remember that every minute of every day.” Blaine closed his eyes as the sobs built up in his chest finally tore through his body. He felt arms encompass him and he leaned into them, recognizing the comfort he found in only one place - with Kurt.


	4. No One Could Save Me But You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from David Cook cover of Wicked Game by Chris Isaak  
> 
> 
>   
>  _It's strange what desire would make  
>  Foolish people do  
> I've never dreamed  
> That I'd meet somebody like you  
> And I've never dreamed  
> That I'd lose somebody like you  
> No, I don't wanna fall in love  
> No, I don't wanna fall in love  
> With you_   
> 

As the weeks went by and the days grew shorter and colder, Blaine could practically feel his depression clawing at him, trying to take hold of him from the inside. He tried every trick in the book that he had created over the years - light lamps, vitamin D supplements, creating a routine for himself while at home in order to be able to have something consistent in his life. It wasn’t long before he was drinking more and sleeping less, though, falling back on bad habits he had established in college to try to get him through to the next day. In the back of his head, he knew it wasn’t right, the last major depressive episode Blaine had gone through had lasted for the better part of a year and it took being hospitalized for alcohol poisoning to finally persuade him to get help. Kurt had been his rock through all of it, offering to get him into rehab or AA, but in the end, all it took was having someone there for him that made all of the difference. He didn’t feel as alone in the world as his depression led him to believe when Kurt was by his side. 

That wasn’t to say Sebastian hadn’t been there for him as well. He had been, but he had been in his third year of med school and it had been way too hectic for him, he was barely home as it was. Blaine didn’t hold it against him, though, he knew that what Sebastian was doing was for both of them and for their future. Even when he had cried himself to sleep in Kurt’s arms most nights instead of his husband’s, he knew Sebastian would be with Blaine if he had the choice. He could never hold that against him. 

By the middle of winter, Blaine had started to drink almost every day. He’d stay after his shift at work, have a few shots of something, take the train home, find a bottle of whatever they’d bought that week and help himself. Kurt got home late in the night most nights and by that point, Blaine was typically pretty gone - Not that he let on, anyway, the last thing he wanted Kurt to know was that he wasn’t doing as okay as he pretended to be. Kurt had enough going on in his life without Blaine messing everything up _again_.

On a typical Saturday night, Blaine typically worked until the early hours of the morning, but Sebastian had asked him weeks in advance to see if he could make sure to get the night off so that they could have a night out. Residency was hard on him and Blaine knew he needed to let off a little bit of steam - what better way to do that than to dance for hours and then come home all hot and bothered and fuck the rest of the night away? 

He spent hours getting ready, from showering and shaving and plucking to standing in front of his closet, staring at everything he owned and deeming it unsuitable. He loved getting ready when he had somewhere to go, the time it took to do his hair just right and make sure every single thing was in place. He didn’t get a chance to do it very often, so when he did, he liked to go all out. By the time 7pm rolled around, Blaine was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet waiting for Sebastian to come home. He was on his second Jack and Coke of the night, already feeling a little buzzed (probably due to the double shots he liked to pour for himself) when the front door opened. 

“Hey babe, you here?” Sebastian’s footsteps told Blaine he had headed to the bedroom first, but he stayed where he was, knowing Sebastian would join him in a minute. He busied himself making a gin and tonic, finishing it up right as Sebastian walked through the doorway. Blaine smiled and walked to him, giving him a quick kiss on the lips before passing over the drink. 

“You look ready for a night out.” Blaine looked him up and down, taking in the disheveled scrubs he had left in the morning before. “No chance to change?”

“No, we’ve been slammed all week, and then there was a huge apartment building fire that overtook the ER bright and early this morning. I don’t think I’ve slept since Wednesday night.” He paused as he pulled his scrub top over his head and lobbed it at the pile of laundry by the washing machine. “No, I think I fell asleep standing up some time in the middle of last night, but that’s about it.”

Blaine felt his stomach sink as the smile faded from his face. “Oh. Okay.” He bit his lip before continuing. “I guess that means you would rather stay in tonight, right?” 

Sebastian stopped in the middle of stepping out of his scrub pants and glanced up at Blaine, an unreadable look on his face. “We can stay in if you want to, killer, but we don’t have to.” 

Blaine wrapped his arms around himself and looked down at the floor, avoiding Sebastian’s eyes. “No, if you’re too tired, I completely understand. I know what it’s like to be bone tired and want to do nothing but sleep. You can’t help how you feel.”

Sebastian’s face appeared in his line of vision suddenly and Blaine caught his eye. “Babe, don’t do that.” He stood up straight and Blaine followed him, letting himself be pulled into Sebastian's chest. “If you want to go out, out we’ll go, okay? Besides, I’ve been looking forward to tonight all week, I’m not letting anything get between us and our good time.”

Blaine felt the smile slowly making its way to his face as he nodded in agreement. He wrapped his arms around the other man and gave him a tight squeeze before backing away. “You’re the best.” 

Sebastian laughed and finished pulling off his scrubs. “I try.” He smirked before turning to the doorway. “Just let me shower really quick and I’ll be ready to go.” 

\--

The music was loud and the drinks strong at the Langston Night Club, Blaine’s favorite place to go when he needed to blow off some steam. Kurt and he normally went together, Sebastian wasn’t a huge fan of the atmosphere, much preferring the casual lounge bars himself, but Blaine had given his best pout and Sebastian had smiled and relented almost instantly. He was fidgeting the entire time they stood in the line to be let in and he could have sworn he saw a look of irritation pass over Sebastian’s face, but he chose to ignore it. They didn’t get a chance to go out often and he wasn’t going to let his husband ruin the fun. Besides, once they got inside, all they would need to do was get a few drinks and suddenly everything would become bright and merry and the best thing ever! 

“The usual?” Sebastian spoke into Blaine’s ear. 

Blaine smiled and nodded, pointing into the corner where he saw a free table. “I’ll meet you over there?” 

Sebastian nodded and started weaving his way through the crowd to the even more crowded bar. Blaine watched him head out and a small smile formed on his face. He was really lucky to have such an amazing guy to spend the rest of his life with. Sure, they had their rough spots and they didn’t get to see each other nearly as much as Blaine would like, but they made it work. 

He wandered over to the table he’d pointed to only to find it occupied by a couple of guys who were discreetly hidden from the view of most patrons in the club. He bit his lip as his smile grew bigger and turned around to face the dance floor, standing on his tiptoes to see if he could see Sebastian.

“You lost?” A voice sounded behind him and Blaine whirled around to see a tall, bulky man with bright blonde - almost white - hair smiling down at him. 

“Oh, I’m just looking for-” Blaine leaned in and started shouting in order to be heard, but was cut off when someone grabbed his arm and pulled on it gently. He looked around to see who had grabbed him and saw his husband standing there, two beers in one hand and his other still wrapped around Blaine’s wrist. 

“What are you doing?” Blaine asked, pulling his arm away from the other man, taking one of the beers from his hand and taking a long sip. 

“Oh gee, I dunno Blaine, what were you doing? It looked like you were about to start humping the guy right there in front of everyone!” 

Blaine almost spit his beer out at Sebastian’s words and shook his head, feeling a storm cloud form over his head. “Are you actually serious right now? Like, actually serious? Because I don’t understand why you think that I would be hitting on another guy when I came here with my husband!” His breath started coming in faster and he felt himself start to shake - he wasn’t good with confrontation, he hated it really, but he just couldn’t comprehend why Sebastian was acting like such a barbarian. 

“B, I…” Sebastian trailed off and looked down at his feet for a second before raising his head to look at Blaine’s face. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking. Can we just pretend that never happened?” 

Blaine wanted to protest, he wanted an actual explanation, but he saw the pleading look in Sebastian’s eyes and that, mixed with his own excitement about being out on a Saturday night, was enough to make him take a deep breath and give a small nod. “Sure.” He took another drink from the beer bottle, draining it almost in one go. 

“Easy there tiger, you keep drinking like that and you’ll black out before we even get back to the apartment!” 

A flash of anger flared through Blaine, how would Sebastian even know what his limit was these days, anyway? He was never around long enough to be able to judge his character. Instead of starting another argument though, Blaine just gestured at the bar and held his bottle up, indicating he was getting another round. Sebastian raised his as well, motioning for him to get him another. Blaine turned on his heel and had to hold himself back from stomping his way to the bar. He was not a child, he didn’t need to be looked after like he was one, especially from his husband, of all people. 

Once at the bar, he took a double shot of whiskey and chased it with a beer before ordering two more to go. He knew if he was already feeling this irritated about the smallest thing, he needed some kind of lubrication to make it easier to be around Sebastian for the rest of the night. 

_”It shouldn’t be that way.”_ A voice in the back of his head chided him, but Blaine shook it off. The voice inside his head said an awful lot for something that didn’t know what it was talking about.


	5. ‘Cause After All You Are My Safety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from Hit the Back by King Princess  
> 
> 
>   
>  _I need you to be my motor  
>  And run me ‘til I can’t go further  
> Cause every turn you take is just exciting me  
> And ain’t the best you had_

One in the morning rolled around in what seemed like seconds and Blaine was enjoying the night, feeling drunk and free. A smile had taken up permanent residence on his face and he was practically hanging around Sebastian’s neck as they danced. They were pressed close together, chest to chest, and Blaine couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so turned on. He and Sebastian had a sex life, but half of the time, it was almost clinical, just based on a need to get off and no foreplay. Dancing together in a crowd of strangers, grinding on each other without another care in the world, almost made Blaine moan with satisfaction. The next time he rolled his hips into Sebastian, he made sure to press close long enough that he would realize how hard Blaine was. The fire in Sebastian’s eyes was enough to let him know he felt it and, oh, he was right there, too. 

Blaine pushed up and pressed his lips to Sebastian’s ear. “You look so incredibly hot right now, I would drop to my knees and take your dick in my mouth in front of everyone to show them just how fucking sexy you are.” 

Sebastian moaned in his ear and slid his hands down to Blaine’s ass, slipping his hands into the back pockets of his pants before squeezing tight. “Right back atcha, killer.” 

Blaine opened his mouth to suggest they find an empty bathroom stall and relive their college days, but he was stopped when a pair of arms wrapped around his waist from behind. 

“BLAINE!” Kurt’s voice shrieked in his ear and Blaine couldn’t help but drop his hold on his husband and whirl around. 

“What are you doing here?!” Blaine practically screamed, throwing his arms around Kurt’s neck and pulling him as close as possible. It was Kurt, his best friend, whom he loved with everything in him, how awesome!

“Oh ya know, drinking and looking to get laid. The usual.” Kurt said into his ear, sending a shiver down Blaine’s spine. Instantly a picture of him and Kurt laying in bed, naked and all over each other flashed through his head, and he groaned, thrusting a little into their embrace. 

“ _Fuck._ ” He muttered under his breath. Kurt’s hold on his waist tightened and pulled him closer for a second before he started speaking again.

“Sebastian!” Kurt held his arms out to him, inviting him in for a group hug. Blaine could practically feel the tension coming off of his husband, but he really hoped that he wouldn’t make a scene. 

A chest pressed to his back confirmed that Sebastian had joined them, even if he wasn’t particularly thrilled about it. “Kurt!” 

Blaine wanted to pull away from him, to tell him that he wasn’t fooling anyone, and could he please just relax and let loose once in a while?! But the arms around his waist tightened again and Blaine looked into Kurt’s eyes, instantly feeling relief from all of his emotions. Kurt could tell what he was thinking without him even having to say a word and with just one look, he could reassure him everything was fine. 

“You guys wanna dance?” Kurt pulled away from them, but held both of his hands out, making grabby motions for them. Blaine took one hand instantly and Sebastian followed almost immediately after. Kurt pulled them deeper onto the dance floor before dropping their hands and crowding in on both of them, moving his hips to the beat of the Madonna song playing. 

“Sebastian, you’ve gotta move your hips!” Kurt dropped both hands to his hips and began moving him to the rhythm of the music, demonstrating the moved he wanted Sebastian to copy on his own body. Blaine took a second to take a step back while they moved together and let out an involuntary moan at the sight in front of him. His husband and his best friend, his two most favorite people in the world, touching each other and grinding on each other was likely one of the hottest things he had ever witnessed. 

Sebastian glanced over at him and then had to do a double take, taking a second to understand the look on Blaine’s face. Blaine knew as soon as he figured it out because a wicked smile took over and he wasn’t sure he had ever seen that look on Sebastian’s face since, well… Ever. Sebastian gave him a head nod, gesturing him back to them and Blaine stepped into their space, wrapping one arm around Kurt’s waist and the other around his husband’s. 

“See something you like?” A low growl came out of Sebastian’s throat and Blaine couldn’t help but shudder, letting his eyes close at the sound. 

“M-Maybe.” He stuttered before taking in a huge breath of air. He had so many emotions coursing through him and he was beginning to feel overwhelmed - not in a bad way, but in a way where he needed a minute to try to collect his thoughts.

“Wanna try?” Sebastian leaned down and pressed his lips to Blaine’s ear. He didn’t even comprehend what his husband was asking him before he was nodding, sliding into his spot against Kurt. Kurt positioned both of his hands on Blaine’s hips and Blaine moved his around Kurt’s neck, feeling instantly at home. They had spent years in high school dancing together and being in his arms was second nature, a feeling he couldn’t believe he had ever forgotten considering how much he loved it.

A hand on his lower back pushed him closer to Kurt and Blaine looked over his shoulder at Sebastian, giving him a questioning look that Sebastian just gave a nod to in response. Blaine took a step closer to Kurt, then another, until they had their legs slotted between each other’s. It felt so good, grinding against Kurt’s leg, thrusting into him as he grew hard. He could feel Kurt’s excitement at their situation, too, and he found himself longing to be in bed, grinding and thrusting for real. 

“Feels like we never missed a beat.” Kurt breathed heavily into his ear. Blaine let his eyes close as he lost himself in the feeling of catching up with someone he hadn’t realized he’d missed so much. 

He felt a hand on his back again and his eyes snapped open, guilt flooding through him at the thoughts running through his head. But Sebastian had encouraged it, right? That must mean something, surely he doesn’t mind?

“Wanna take this home?” 

Shock rang through Blaine’s body and he felt his jaw drop as he looked at Kurt. Kurt gave him a puzzled look, so he leaned in to talk in his ear. “Seb asked if we wanted to take this home.” 

“Really?” Kurt asked, but Blaine knew he was looking at Sebastian and not speaking to him. Sebastian must have given him an affirmative answer because suddenly, Kurt was pulling away from him and practically pulling both he and Sebastian out of the club. They ordered an Uber and stood for a minute before the car showed up. Blaine was drunk, more drunk than he had intended to get, if he were being honest, so he had to pinch himself as he settled himself in the middle of the backseat, squished in by the other two. 

“Ouch!” He exclaimed, realizing a second too late he had said it out loud. 

“You okay, babe?” Sebastian leaned into him and pressed a kiss to his head. Blaine just nodded before slipping a hand down to grasp one of his husband’s hands. He gave it a squeeze before using his other hand to grab one of Kurt’s, giving it the same treatment. He could feel the happiness and excitement radiating off of Kurt and he was pretty sure he was exuding the same exact energy back. 

Blaine barely remembered the 20 minute drive back to the apartment, he was so focused on the feeling of hands in his and thighs touching his thighs. By the time he climbed out of the car, he felt like he was on fire and barely made it to the elevator before crushing Sebastian’s lips with his own, a loud whine coming from his throat. “Love you.” He mumbled before turning to Kurt, intending to kiss him as well, but he was cut short by the elevator stopping to open the doors to their floor. He wanted to stay, the urge to kiss Kurt growing stronger and stronger by the second, but Kurt grabbed him by the wrist and practically pulled Blaine to the ground with how forceful it was. He couldn’t help the laugh that flew out of his mouth, so incredibly happy that he couldn’t give a single thought to anything else. 

The keys to the apartment were broken, or at least it seemed like it because Kurt was twisting it and twisting it but it just would not turn to unlock the lock! Sebastian finally reached over Kurt’s shoulder and grabbed the ring of keys, selecting a completely different one before sliding it into the keyhole, unlocking the door with ease. 

“Babe, you’re like magic!” Blaine turned to him and gave him a huge smile. He could feel how sloppy it was just by how much his cheeks hurt but he just let it stay - Sebastian should be able to see what his offer had done for Blaine.

They tumbled into the living room and each of them immediately kicked off their shoes. Kurt and Blaine exchanged a heated look between them before Kurt gestured to the side of the apartment his bedroom was in. “Let’s go, boys.”

Blaine didn’t have to be told twice, he practically ran after Kurt, Sebastian close behind him. Kurt threw the door open and grabbed a remote control from his end table. “A little mood lighting.” He said with a wink, hitting a few buttons before the lights turned on, but extremely dim. Kurt hit another button and the color shifted to red, and then he hit another button that seemed to control the music because all of a sudden, a light melody started playing in the background. 

“You really know how to woo your guests.” Sebastian gave an impressed whistle under his breath and Blaine felt his face heat up. Kurt really did seem to have it all down… is this how he welcomed all of the men he brought home? 

As if on cue, a short laugh sounded from Kurt and he shook his head. “Oh no, don’t think I go through this much effort for just anyone.” He set the remote down and crossed the room, slowly making his way to Blaine until he stopped right in front of him, their lips almost touching. “I only do this for the ones who matter.” 

Before Blaine could press up and kiss Kurt as he desperately wanted to, Kurt was pulled away from him. He looked next to him at his husband and saw Sebastian lean down and place a hungry kiss to Kurt’s lips. A jolt of something red hot went through Blaine, but it wasn’t desire. No, it was anger, jealousy, a distinct reaction to scream “Get off of him, he’s mine!” But not at Kurt…

No, Blaine wanted to scream at Sebastian. Because Kurt was his and no one else’s.

The thought rang through him and he stood in shock for a few seconds, trying to make sense of the idea running through his alcohol soaked brain. He needed a minute to sit down and to process everything he was thinking, but he was interrupted by a hand on his chest. He looked up and focused on the man in front of him. 

Kurt. 

“You alright, B?” Butterflies erupted in his stomach at hearing the old nickname Kurt used to use with him back when they were together in high school. He hadn’t heard it in years, but it felt like coming home. 

“I’m perfect.” He smiled and looked to the bed to see Sebastian laying there already, his shirt completely unbuttoned and pants already on the floor. That jolt of jealousy ran through him again, but he pushed it down - he didn’t have time to deal with it.


	6. Hold Me Like That (Pull Me Right Back Again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from Strangers by Jonas Brothers  
> 
> 
>   
>  _I just saw the lightning strike  
>  Knew it right then when I looked in your eyes  
> And I said to myself, "It's no surprise we ain't strangers"  
> Strangers tonight  
> Must be from a different life  
> Been here before and it just feels right  
> No, this ain't the first time for you and I, we ain't strangers  
> Strangers tonight_

Tension built up as Kurt and Blaine faced each other. They looked each other up and down, giving themselves permission to finally look at each other without hiding it, or, at least, Blaine knew he hid it. Kurt probably didn’t even look at him like that anymore. Why would he? 

Blaine shook the thought from his head and gave Kurt a coy smile, biting his lower lip a little as a soft smile formed. “Like what you see?” 

Kurt let out a breath as though he had been holding it forever and nodded, his cheeks flushed as he met Blaine’s eyes. “Yeah. I’ve missed this.” 

Blaine was speechless, he had a million things to say, but then there was nothing at all that could even begin to put into words how he felt at hearing those words. Had it really been 11 years? It felt like a lifetime, and it also felt like last week, time becoming nothing but a way to measure the time from when he lost Kurt until that moment when he got him back. 

Blaine quickly slipped his shirt off and moved his hands to his pants, but they were knocked to the side quickly. He looked up and caught the look of intense concentration painted on Kurt’s face as he flipped open the button and slid the zipper down. A shiver ran down his spine as Kurt’s hand trailed along his stomach lightly before working the pants off of Blaine. 

“Always with the tight pants.” Kurt huffed under his breath, impatience growing by the second.

“You’re one to talk.” Blaine murmured, referencing the pants Kurt was wearing that had to have been sewn onto his body. 

“Touche.” He looked up and gave Blaine a flirty smile, causing the waves in his stomach to crash and collide. He needed to kiss Kurt, at that very second, or he would absolutely die. Blaine moved to kneel down at his level, but suddenly Kurt was upright and tugging his own pants off, grunting a couple of times before pulling them off and throwing them across the room. 

“Uh, are you guys gonna come over here anytime soon or…?” Sebastian’s voice sounded entirely annoyed, a tone Blaine knew by heart, but he couldn’t bring himself to even so much as send a glare at his husband. He could wait a few seconds, dammit, Blaine needed to memorize every single second of the rest of the night. 

Kurt walked to the bed and sat on the edge, leaning back on his arms, putting his almost naked body on display for Blaine to admire. He felt his brain explode in his head as he swept his eyes from Kurt’s chest down to his stomach, stopping at the obvious bulge waiting for him. Blaine practically tripped his way over to the bed before finally looking over as his husband. 

Sebastian had a look of… something on his face. Something strange, a look Blaine had never seen before, and he wasn’t entirely sure he liked it. It almost looked angry, but Blaine had seen his angry face many times and that wasn’t quite it. He opened his mouth to ask Sebastian if he was alright, but the look shifted and suddenly a smile took its place. Blaine still felt a little bit unsettled, but then he looked back over at Kurt and he found he really didn’t care what Sebastian was thinking. 

Kurt and Sebastian moved around on the bed, allowing more space for Blaine to join them. He ended up in the middle of the two, causing him to giggle a little bit. “I’m a Blaine sandwich!” 

Kurt paused for a moment before letting out a cackle, an absolute cackle, of a laugh. “You’re too cute.” He mumbled before raising his hand to fix a stray hair on Blaine’s head. He turned on to his side, facing Kurt, and felt Sebastian slot in behind him. Lips met the back of his neck and he shivered as he let his eyes move from Kurt’s own down to his lips. He let his gaze linger for another second before finally making his move, pressing into Kurt’s chest and letting their lips meet. 

Kissing Kurt felt like returning home - Blaine had never realized that he was missing that specific touch until he had it again and memories started flooding through his mind. Every single touch of the lips, every gentle caress, felt like a declaration of love that took over every one of his senses as they dove head first into re-exploring each other. Blaine wished he had more arms so that he could touch every single part of Kurt at the same time, he felt like he had been drowning and had finally managed to come up for air. Every touch was electrifying and every movement caused jolts to run through Blaine’s body. 

He didn’t know how long they lay like that, making out like horny teenagers, but when they stopped for a breather, Blaine realized something was missing. He looked behind him, expecting to see Seb laying next to him, eyes open and waiting for his turn, but instead, he was met with his back. A dull thud crashed through Blaine’s stomach as he extracted himself from Kurt in order to turn to the other man. 

“Seb?” Blaine asked quietly, placing a hand on his husband’s shoulder. A soft snore was the response he got and Blaine realized that Sebastian had actually fallen asleep. Asleep! In the middle of a threesome! 

“Is he okay?” Kurt sounded worried and Blaine looked back over at him, an incredulous look covering his face. 

“He’s asleep!” Blaine threw one hand up in the air and rolled his eyes. “Who the hell falls asleep in the middle of sex?” 

“We weren’t really giving him too much attention, if we’re being fair here…” Kurt trailed off, guilt mixing in with his words. Blaine thought for a second and realized Kurt was right - they had been all over each other and weren’t even trying to include Sebastian. Shame poured over him and he felt the need to wake Sebastian up, to get things going again, but he also knew how tired Seb was, and he hadn’t even wanted to go out that night as it was, so waking him up again at two in the morning didn’t sound like the greatest idea. 

“So, um…” Blaine bit the inside of his cheek, trying to figure out how to phrase what he wanted to say. “Is this over?” 

A moment went by, then another, before Kurt spoke again. “Yeah, that's probably the best idea, right? Since the idea was for a threesome and, well, now there’s only two of us.” 

Blaine wanted to simultaneously cry and scream and pout and cry some more at Kurt’s words. He had been given something he didn’t know he needed and then it was yanked away before he could even process it. 

“Yeah, I guess so…” Blaine trailed off. “But, Seb did consent to all of this, right? Including between the two of us, right? Part of a threesome is having sex, so he gave us consent for this to happen.” 

The look on Kurt’s face was enough to show Blaine that he was about to be rejected, but instead of letting him say anything, he simply lunged at Kurt and gave him a hungry kiss on the lips, letting their legs tangle together as he ran a hand through Kurt’s hair. 

“Please?” Blaine whispered when their lips broke. Kurt sighed, but then he nodded and brought their lips back together, both of them immediately getting lost in each other again. 

\--

Frantic pacing accompanied by every single curse word Blaine had ever heard of, and then some, woke him up in the morning. He opened his eyes and instantly slammed them shut again as he took in the light coming through the window. 

“Fuck, turn it off.” He groaned, putting his hand over his eyes as he tried to figure out where he was. The sheets on the bed were silk, definitely not anything near what Sebastian and he could afford, and they also smelled like…

Kurt. They smelled like Kurt. 

He sat bolt upright, grimacing as his stomach rolled a little at the sudden movement. As he focused on the room, he managed to take in the sight of Kurt walking back and forth from his closet to the bed, throwing clothes at the foot of it. As he took another second to try to comprehend, he realized that clothes weren’t being thrown on the bed - they were being thrown into a suitcase at the foot of the bed. 

“What are you doing?” Blaine moved from the bed to his feet, swaying slightly as he did so - was he still drunk? 

Kurt ignored him in favor of walking to his vanity and beginning to throw all of his face creams into his travel bag. He was muttering under his breath, but it was too low for Blaine to make anything out. 

“Kurt.” He said pointedly, his tone becoming hard. Kurt paused for a second, then resumed what he was doing. Blaine walked across the room and reached out his arm, placing a hand on Kurt’s shoulder. “Kurt, what-”

“Don’t touch me!” Kurt exclaimed, jumping back from Blaine as though he was on fire. Tears instantly came to Blaine’s eyes and he drew his hand back, wrapping his arms around himself in protection. 

“Kurt, please.” Blaine could hear the begging in his voice, he knew it sounded pathetic and stupid and childish, but Kurt was acting so weird, and he had a really bad feeling about it. 

“Stop, Blaine. Please.” Kurt’s voice came out in a low pitch, a hint of mourning in the words. Blaine gave him a minute to continue, but when Kurt didn’t, he tried again.

“Please what, Kurt?” He took a step toward his best friend, trying to gauge his emotional state. He wanted to reach for him again, to wrap his arms around him and squeeze him tight, anything to help him feel better, but he couldn’t chance getting rejected again. 

“Please go.” Kurt whispered, letting his head hang in despair. Blaine took another step, but Kurt recoiled into himself, causing the tears in Blaine’s eyes to finally spill over. 

“Please, Kurt, don’t do this. If this is about last night -”

“Last night was a mistake!” Kurt yelled as he spun around to finally face Blaine. “It was stupid and immature and alcohol induced and it was a mistake, Blaine! It never should have happened!” 

Blaine’s heart was beating so fast and hard, he felt like it was going to burst from his chest. He didn’t like confrontation to begin with, but confrontation with Kurt? It was the last thing he could even begin to handle. 

“Kurt, don’t shut me out. I know last night was a lot, but don’t leave. We can work this out.” 

“No we can’t, Blaine!” Kurt threw his hands up in the air as tears fell down his cheeks. “We are ruined, absolutely, one hundred percent, completely ruined. Sex changes everything, Blaine, don’t you know that?” 

“Of course I know that!” Blaine was practically pleading with every breath, trying to get Kurt to calm down so they could think rationally about everything. “It doesn’t have to change us though!”

“I think it’s a little bit too late for that.” Kurt said bitterly, finally moving to push past Blaine to get to his suitcase. He threw in his travel bag of products and flipped the top over, zipping it shut with minimal effort. 

“Where are you going?” He felt almost hysterical at that point, all he wanted was for Kurt, for his best friend, for the person he loved most in the world, to just stop and look at him and give him a chance. 

“Away from here. I-I need some space.” Kurt moved his suitcase to the floor and took the handle. “I have a place arranged, please don’t contact me.” With those words, he walked out of the bedroom, his suitcase trailing along behind him. A moment later, the front door opened and closed and Blaine practically fell onto the bed, sobs overtaking his body as he pulled the sheets around him, trying to bring himself some sort of comfort.


	7. The Thought of Losin’ You is Not Killing Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from I Feel Bad by Rascal Flatts  
> 
> 
>   
>  _I should be out in that driveway stopping you  
>  Tears should me rolling down my cheek  
> And I don't know why I'm not falling apart like I usually do  
> And how the thought of losing you is not killin' me  
> I feel bad…_

Calling in sick to work was something extremely uncharacteristic of Blaine, so when he made the call to his boss and told him he felt like he was going to die, he didn’t get questioned at all. It had taken him a couple of hours, but once he had cried out all of the moisture in his body, he relocated from Kurt’s room to his own bedroom. He almost couldn’t even look at the bed he shared with Sebastian, guilt and anger and frustration building up inside of him at what the previous night had caused, the feelings that had ripped free from Blaine without any warning.

Instead of laying back down, he went to the shower, turning the water on as hot as possible before stepping inside. He barely reacted as the water hit his skin, turning it bright red in seconds. He just stood under the steady stream with his head hanging and eyes closed, trying to shut down all of the emotions running through his brain. 

Flashes of the night before kept going through his mind, hints of bare skin, the feeling of a kiss lingering on his neck. The memory of fingers digging into his hips caused him to open his eyes and look, wincing when he saw the bruises there. A physical reminder of their night together. How great, just what he always wanted. Before he could stop himself, he balled up both of his fists and started hitting himself over the bruises, over and over again. He didn’t even feel the pain he was inflicting, all he knew was that he wanted the marks to disappear so he never had to remember them ever again. 

He didn’t know how long he was in the stall, under the water, hitting himself, but he vaguely heard the bathroom door open and the sound snapped him out of his almost hypnotic state. The cold of the water hit him a ton of bricks and he dropped his fists, jumping back from the stream. The shower curtain moved and Blaine looked behind him to see Sebastian popping his head inside. 

“Are you okay?” Mild concern showed on his face, but Blaine couldn’t hold his gaze long enough to see what else he was thinking. 

“I-I’m f-fine.” He was shocked to hear his voice come out in stutters, how long had he been standing under cold water that it was making him shiver so hard?

“I’m heating something up for dinner, have you eaten?” 

Blaine shook his head as he leaned down and turned off the water. “No, I just got up a little bit ago.” 

“You just got up?” Sebastian moved to the side as Blaine stepped out of the shower and grabbed his towel, drying himself quickly before wrapping the towel around his waist. “Wait, aren’t you supposed to be at work right now?” 

Blaine couldn’t keep the eye roll brewing on his face to himself - of course Sebastian would question that, of all things, when clearly Blaine wasn’t doing well at all. “I called in sick.” He turned around and walked to the bedroom, heading to the drawer containing his sweatpants. He grabbed his favorite pair and tugged them on, ditching the towel on the bed. Seb hated it when he did that and he wanted to do something to make him feel even a fraction of the irritation Blaine was currently feeling. 

“You called in sick, are you alright?” Seb took a step toward him, but Blaine turned his back on him, walking to the closet to find his favorite hoodie. It was a New Directions hoodie he had stolen from Kurt when he still went to Dalton, after Kurt left to go back to McKinley. It was the one piece of clothing he had found that would make him feel better, no matter what he was going through. 

“I’m fine, I just have a headache.” He muttered, turning back around to face his husband. 

“You never call in because of a headache, what’s going on?” The tone Blaine expected from Seb was concern, not the accusation that it was currently laced with. 

“Nothings going on, I just needed a day off, Sebastian.” Blaine tried to walk around him in order to leave the room, he needed space, he needed the room to not feel like he was being crowded, but Sebastian stepped in front of him, not allowing him to pass. 

“Blaine.” Sebastian held his gaze, showing he wouldn’t back down. 

“Sebastian.” He countered, folding his arms across his chest. He liked to try to intimidate Blaine into talking and most of the time, it worked, but Blaine was in exactly no mood to handle any of that crap. 

Sebastian sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. “Blaine, I don’t want to fight, I just want to know you’re not hurt or sick.” 

“Oh that’s great, I’m glad you suddenly seem to care about my well being. That’s never seemed to be too much of a priority for you.” The instant the words came out of Blaine’s mouth, he wanted to take them back - it wasn’t that he didn’t actually believe what he said, but he never talked about it. He didn’t like causing drama with his stupid feelings, and he knew voicing said feelings would only upset Sebastian, causing more stupid feelings to well up and it just was not necessary at all. 

“And what exactly is that supposed to mean?” Sebastian was instantly in defense mode, his eyes sharp and his posture tight, ready to go. 

“Nothing. It means nothing.” Blaine closed his eyes and took a deep breath, in and out, then another, in and out. He was hoping that if he could calm himself down enough, he would open his eyes and Sebastian would be gone and he could go back to being depressed. 

“Like hell it means nothing, Blaine.” Sebastian was audibly gritting his teeth and he had to flinch, he hadn’t encountered Seb this mad since they were back in undergrad. “You’re accusing me of not caring about you and you think it’s nothing?”

Blaine opened his eyes and fixed them on Sebastian’s, taking a deep breath in before speaking. “It’s how I feel, a lot of the time. I feel like I’m just this thing in your life that you have to take care of sometimes and it’s kind of inconvenient.”

The look of shock on his husbands face was enough to make him regret saying anything in his entire life, ever. He wanted to eat the words, to have them take physical form and swallow them all back down, to make them disappear for the rest of eternity. “Y-you really think that?” Sebastian took a step back, then another. “You really think that I think you’re an inconvenience? Why the hell are you married to me if you think that?” 

“Because we were in love!” Blaine shouted, letting his arms fall to his side. “Because we were in love and happy and then when things got hard, you started treating me like a child, like I’m not mature enough to work through my own problems!” 

“BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT MATURE ENOUGH!” Sebastian screamed, his voice echoing through the room. “You’ve never had to deal with you, Blaine! You didn’t have to get the call from Kurt in the middle of a shift, asking to talk you down because you were crying. You didn’t have to come home from a 36 hour shift to find you laying in bed, not having moved since before the 36 hour shift started. You don’t know what it’s like, trying to love someone who doesn’t even love themselves!”

Tears were already running down Blaine’s cheeks, but he wasn’t crying in sadness - no, he was crying in rage. Crying because he was so mad he didn’t even know how to express it any other way. “I don’t have to deal with me? What the fuck are you talking about, Sebastian?! I have to deal with me every single goddamn second of every single day, don’t you think I already know what a pain in the ass I am? I hate myself, Sebastian! I hate myself for all of the shit going through my mind, don’t you think I would stop it if I could?” 

“Or maybe you just like the attention.” Sebastian spat out bitterly. Blaine froze as the words he spoke washed over him. 

“You think I’m depressed and anxious out of my mind every single minute of every single day because I like attention?!” Blaine brought his hands to his hair and fisted his fingers through it, pulling at it a little to try to bring himself back to reality. “Are you actually being serious right now or are you just saying whatever you think will hurt me because you don’t like what I said to you?” 

“I don’t know anymore, Blaine. That’s the sad part, isn’t it? I can’t even tell if it’s just a cry for attention or a real thing.” 

Blaine bolted forward, instantly crowding up in Sebastian’s face, grabbing his shirt with both hands and tugging him close. “You wanna talk about cries for attention? What about last night, Sebastian? What exactly was that for you? You never mentioned doing something like that before and suddenly you want to have sex with my best friend? With our roommate?” 

Sebastian reached up and closed his own hands around Blaine’s, removing them from his shirt before dropping them and taking a step back. “Oh please, don’t act like you’re upset about last night Blaine. You’ve been dreaming about that the entire time we’ve been together! Seeing Kurt naked again, having sex with him, being the one to make him scream.” 

“SHUT UP!” A lump formed in Blaine’s throat and he felt like he was going to throw up.

“Just admit it, Blaine! When you and I have sex, you wish it was Kurt. You think about his body on top of yours, his dick inside of you.” Spit was flying from Sebastian’s mouth and Blaine wanted to slap him, to punch him, to do anything to make him stop talking. “Just admit that you’ve always wanted him and maybe then we can talk about how unfairly you’ve been treated in this situation!” 

“You’re so full of shit! I wasn’t the one who brought Kurt into things last night, you were! You pushed me at him, you physically moved me to be closer to him while we were dancing! You asked if we wanted to take things back to the apartment, that was all you!” 

“You didn’t even put up a fight, Blaine!” Sebastian threw his hands up in the air, groaning with frustration. “There wasn’t a single protest from you!”

“Of course I wasn’t gonna say no, you moron! I was drunk and horny, we haven’t had sex in three weeks, and you pushed me at a hot guy!” Every word out of Blaine’s mouth made him sink further and further into himself. He didn’t want to fight, the words coming out of his mouth were stupid, they wouldn’t do anything but cause harm, but he couldn’t stop it. 

“I pushed you at Kurt, Blaine. It wasn’t just some hot guy, it was your ex-fiance, the first person you fell in love with, your best friend who I’ll never compare to! I-I was trying to do something to make you happy.” Sebastian moved to the bed and sat down, bringing his legs up underneath him, becoming much smaller than he normally appeared. 

“Why did you think that would make me happy?” Blaine deflated, all of the wind coming out of his sails, anger melting away away, replaced by hurt and self loathing. 

“Because you haven’t been happy in years, Blaine, and that smile you gave me in the elevator when we were coming back from the bar…” Sebastian sighed as he trailed off, looking down at the comforter. “It was the happiest I’ve ever seen you. You didn’t even look like that on our wedding day.” 

Silence filled the room, neither one of them sure of what to say next. Blaine wanted to deny the things Sebastian accused him of, but he couldn’t. He knew, without a doubt, that being with Kurt again was one of the best moments of his entire life and he felt awful for it. 

“How long have you been in love with him?” Sebastian reached out and took Blaine’s hand, lacing their fingers together. 

“I-I’m not in lo-” Blaine tried to get out, but Sebastian just squeezed his hand. 

“Please don’t lie to me.”

“But I’m not lying!” Blaine insisted. 

“Maybe you don’t know it yet, but you are.” With that, Sebastian gave Blaine’s hand a final squeeze before getting off of the bed and walking out of the room, leaving Blaine alone in complete and utter confusion.


	8. I Look Through the Windows of This Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from Death By A Thousand Cuts by Taylor Swift  
> 
> 
>   
>  _Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts  
>  Flashbacks waking me up  
> I get drunk, but it's not enough  
> 'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby  
> I look through the windows of this love  
> Even though we boarded them up  
> Chandelier still flickering here  
> 'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not  
> It's death by a thousand cuts_

Five days alone was Blaine’s breaking point, he found out. He called into work, claiming he had swine flu (was that even a thing anymore?), and didn’t get out of bed except when his bladder absolutely demanded it. He’d been through depressive episodes before, but he had always had someone there with him, either Kurt or Sebastian, to make sure he was still eating and staying hydrated and bathing. Without either of them around, he had no reason to even attempt to pretend he gave a crap about anything. Mostly he just slept, his body aching by the end of the second day in protest of how much he wasn’t moving. He looked at his phone when he had the odd moments of energy, scrolling through Facebook and Instagram until he realized that seeing his friends living their lives without him just made him feel worse. Text messages went unanswered, as did phone calls and facetime requests, and Blaine couldn’t muster the energy to try to understand that people were concerned about him. 

By the time evening rolled around on the fifth day, Blaine was ready to just give up. He was lonely and heartbroken, and no one would even be affected if he was gone anyway. He didn’t have the willpower to even attempt to kill himself, but he never stopped hoping that when he fell asleep next that he wouldn’t wake up again. A loud boom sounded through the empty living room to his bedroom and Blaine jumped, looking around his room as though it would give him the answers. Another loud crash happened and he pulled himself out from underneath all of the blankets he was buried in. As he stepped into the hallway, he heard a voice sounding from behind the front door. He could make out the words, but everything was being said in Spanish and instantly he knew who his visitor was.

Santana.

He contemplated turning around and heading back to bed. She didn’t have a key, so being let in was her only way into the apartment. He could just pretend he wasn’t there, he was at work, being a functioning member of society. 

As if she were reading his mind, Santana switched back to English and started screaming again. “You better let me in hobbit, I have a key and if I have to use it, I will throw your hair-gelled ass off the fire escape!” 

Blaine’s jaw dropped, how did she have a key? Did she get it from Sebastian? Or Kurt? Were one of them talking to her and trying to find out how he was doing? At that prospect, he moved faster than he had moved in a while and got to the front door. He unlocked it and swung it open to reveal Santana Lopez, dressed to the nines in her business attire, looking extremely pissed off. 

“Where have you been?!” She didn’t even say hello as she pushed past him and into the apartment. Blaine sighed and closed the door behind her, flipping the lock. He paused and took a deep breath, trying to collect himself before opening himself up to the verbal beat down he knew was coming. Turning around, he looked at Santana and opened his mouth to say something, not quite sure what, but she started in again before he got the chance. 

“We thought you were dead, Blaine, DEAD!” She threw her hands up in the air. “You haven’t answered your phone, you’re not returning texts, you haven’t been on social media! Sebastian won’t say anything, Kurt is holed up at Rachel’s apartment with the flu, and you went all radio silence.” She put air quotes around “the flu” before she stopped and put her hands on her hips. “Now what do you have to say for yourself?” 

“How do you have a key?” Blaine’s voice broke on the last word and he cleared his throat, pulling a disgusted face at the sound of his voice. 

“How do I, I’m sorry, how do I have a key?” Santana took a few deep breaths before answering. “Why do you think I have a key? I care about you and Sebastian and Kurt, why wouldn’t I steal your key and go get a few copies made just in case of emergency? Obviously I was right to, seeing as you look like you’re one step from your freaking grave.” 

Blaine felt his chin start to tremble, the emotions rolling off of Santana were so high and there were so many of them and he felt overwhelmed. Couple that with how shocked he was to have someone tell him that they cared about him and he was ready for a long overdue nervous breakdown. 

“Blaine?” Santana walked to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “What’s going on?” 

Blaine tried to speak, but when he opened his mouth, quiet sobs fell out as tears started streaming down his face. He barely registered Santana leading him to the couch and wrapping her arms around him until his face was practically buried in her chest. He wanted to protest, to push away from her, to show he wasn’t as weak as he seemed, but he had had so little human contact in days and being comforted was something he hadn’t realized he _needed_. 

Once Blaine was able to stop sobbing and got his breathing mostly under control, he pulled back from Santana, but only enough to be able to lay his head on her shoulder instead of her chest. 

“You know you don’t have to do this around me, right?” Santana whispered as she ran her fingers through his greasy, messy hair. 

“It’s too hard.” Blaine mumbled back in response, hoping that she would let it rest at that. 

“It’s hard because it means something, Blaine.” Santana pushed him up by his shoulders so that she could look him in the eyes. “You are strong enough to get through this. Ya know, whatever this even is.”

Blaine contemplated her for a second before finally deciding to just get it out. “I slept with Kurt.”

“I KNEW IT!” Santana jumped up from the couch and started doing some kind of weird dance. Blaine was so shocked that he just sat there with his mouth dropped, not sure how he should react. 

“Uh, what?” 

Santana laughed and sat down, breathing a little hard from the sudden burst of exercise. “I know it had something to do with you, Porcelain and sex. I can always smell it when someone cheats, it’s a sixth sense.” 

“I don’t think it was cheating.” 

“Blaine.” Santana looked at him and rolled her eyes. “You slept with another man. One you’re not married to. I’m 100% sure that counts as cheating.”

“It was Seb’s idea. We were supposed to have a threesome.” 

Santana stopped moving, absolutely freezing in her spot. “I’m sorry, Captain Lame Pants wanted to have a threesome with you and Kurt? Are you kidding me?” 

Blaine shook his head. “We were all drunk and at Langston, just dancing together and then Sebastian and Kurt were dancing together and it was… really hot.” He felt his face heat up and he was sure it was bright red at the admission. “Sebastian pushed me at Kurt and after a little bit, he asked if we wanted to take it back to our place.” 

“Okay. So it was all consensual. What’s the problem?”

“He fell asleep before anything happened. But Kurt and I just… kept going anyway.” Baine looked down at his hands and bit his lower lip. 

“Okay, that definitely sounds like it could be problematic. Is that why you and Sebastian aren’t talking?”

Blaine shook his head. “No. He came home from work the next night and we got into a fight. He accused me of being in love with Kurt for our entire marriage.” 

Santana gasped under her breath. “What did you say to that?”

“I told him I wasn’t. He said maybe I didn’t even know it yet, but I was lying.”

“Do you think you were lying to him now?”

Blaine swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut. He had been doing a lot of thinking in his solitude and it had been a shock to him to realize that losing Kurt’s friendship was what was hurting him more than losing his husband. Admitting that much aloud, however, made things more concrete.

“Anything we talk about stays between us, Blaine, you know that.” Santana grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. 

Blaine nodded and took a deep breath before opening his eyes and looking at her. “I think he was right.” 

\--

Santana and Brittany moved into the apartment with Blaine temporarily. Blaine tried to say no, insisting he would be fine by himself, but Santana’s constant reminder that he hadn’t showered in days and smelled like death when she found him were enough to let her baby him. Besides, it felt nice having people around him again - he wasn’t one for being alone, it just didn’t suit him at all. 

Sebastian went to the apartment to pack a few bags of things he needed and arranged to have everything else packed by movers and sent to a storage locker he rented. Blaine wanted to talk to him, to try to tell him that they could work things out, but every single text and phone call went unanswered. After a month of nothing, he even showed up at the hospital Seb worked at, only to be escorted out by security and given a stern recommendation not to come back or he would be arrested for trespassing. 

He felt like a failure. His marriage crumbled, he didn’t have a career, he was 28 years old and living in the apartment his best friend owned, the same best friend that hadn’t talked to him in over a month. He hated to admit it, but he was stuck inside his own pity party and didn’t know how to climb out. Kurt always knew how to get him to smile, to feel better when all he felt like doing was go to sleep forever. Now Kurt was gone and so was Blaine’s happiness - He was sure it would never resurface again. 

Santana continued to keep him updated on Kurt’s life with the minor details she could pull from Rachel. They hadn’t had a Friday night dinner since the whole “scandal” broke, so any news he could get was better than none. 

“She said he bought a gaudy pair of fleece pajamas from WalMart the other day. Apparently he said they were soft and made him feel warm.” Santana rolled her eyes at the sentence, but Blaine knew just how big of a deal what she said was. 

Blaine immediately felt defensive of Kurt and tried to explain. “His pajamas are always silk or egyptian cotton. He has sensitive skin, anything other than those fabrics leave him covered in hives.” 

Santana raised an eyebrow and gave him a concerned look. “You know what kind of pajamas he wears?” 

Blaine blinked slow, once, then twice, before answering. “Uh, yes? He’s been my best friend since high school, why wouldn’t I know that?”

Santana just shook her head and smiled a little. “You’re oblivious, in the cutest and most infuriating way possible.”

Blaine shrugged. “Thank you?” 

“Rach said he’s been asking about you, too.”

He instantly perked up and an actual smile made its way to his face. “Really? He’s been asking about me? What has she told him?” He paused. “Wait. Have you been telling Rachel about me?” 

“Of course I have. How else was I gonna get the info for you if I didn’t agree to spill, too?” 

Blaine frowned, but the idea of Kurt wanting to know how he was and what he was doing made him happy enough that her confession couldn’t crush it. “What have you told her?”

“Oh, nothing that isn’t true. You’re depressed and anxious 92% of the time, you look at the door like you’re expecting someone to come in at any second and get disappointed with it stays shut. I’ve also told her that you’ve stopped gelling your hair and let me tell you, my ear was ringing from her scream for hours after we hung up.” Santana looked around the room before landing back on Blaine.

“What the hell, Santana?!” Blaine felt like crying because he was so mad, but was able to hold it together. “You make me sound like some kind of sad, dying puppy!” 

Santana gave him a sympathetic smile and reached out to pat his shoulder. “Oh Blaine. That’s because you kind of are.”


	9. Crying Like A Fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from Heart Like That by Alexz Johnson  
> 
> 
>   
>  _What you gonna do with a heart like that? (Say what?)  
>  You pick it off the floor  
> I'm never gonna take you back (Hey now)  
> I'm never gonna take you back (Hey now)  
> Where you gonna go with a mind like that? (Say what?)  
> You're crying like a fool  
> I'm never gonna take you back (Hey now)  
> I'm never gonna take you back (Alright)_

Christmas without Sebastian or any of his friends was less than ideal for Blaine. Even when he was in the middle of a depressive episode, he was always able to feel some kind of happiness during Christmas - spending time with the people he loved, giving gifts to make them feel special, going out and ice skating at night, anything that involved being surrounded by his people was what he wanted. 

Christmas Eve alone, in his apartment, was not how he ever pictured himself spending it.

Brittany and Santana had gone out to dinner with their families who had flown in for the holiday. Brittany tried to invite him, insisting that he was part of the family and no one would care, but Blaine waved them off. He didn’t want to be invited to someone else’s family Christmas, it just felt too weird and awkward and way too much like a pity invitation. He promised the girls he would be fine curled up on the couch, eating christmas cookies and watching movies on TV. Santana still seemed poised to drag him along by his hair, but with a final glare, she took off with Britt and left him alone.

Blaine hadn’t worked a Christmas Eve in years, preferring to spend it with Kurt and Sebastian. He had been grateful for the consideration, but he kind of wished he had something to focus on other than his own insane loneliness. Two full months had passed since Kurt had left and Sebastian had moved out. He didn’t consider Kurt moved out because most of his belongings actually stayed, even if Kurt hadn’t been around. Someone, Blaine assumed Rachel, came and went once a week, taking clothes or different skin care products with them. 

Not that Blaine noticed when Kurt’s clothes or other belongings went missing. He never entered Kurt’s room, that would be crossing the line, even if Blaine’s favorite blanket to curl up under was the one over Kurt’s bed that smelled exactly like him. Nope, Blaine sure didn’t notice. 

Spending the whole day moping around the apartment was exhausting. Sebastian, Kurt, and him had little traditions that they would do every year - they would always wait until Christmas Eve to put the star on the Christmas tree, then they would make popcorn garland for the tree while drinking spiked peppermint hot chocolate and watching _Die Hard _(at Seb’s insistence).__

__They would also exchange one gift before they went to bed, Blaine picking Sebastian’s, Sebastian picking Kurt’s, and Kurt picking Blaine’s, so that there was no way they could rig it. Although, how one would rig a gift exchange still remains a mystery. When it was time to retire to bed, Blaine and Sebastian would have their own private gift exchange that would last well into the early morning. Kurt often complained that they kept him up, but they all laughed about it._ _

__More than anything, Blaine wished he could go back in time and change what had happened. He had obviously spent years denying his true feelings to himself and he was happy with it, so why would it be such a bad thing? He could still be married and in love with his husband, he could have a best friend, and he wouldn’t be so _goddamn_ miserable all the time. _ _

__Well, he would be miserable, right? Because that was who he was. Depression and anxiety always messed with his head and even when he should have been happy and had nothing wrong in his life, he still felt like crawling under a rock. He knew it was easy to romanticize how things used to be, even only two months ago, so he tried to remind himself that he wasn’t being very rational when he started going down that route of thinking, but then his emotions really didn’t care that his feelings weren’t rational and decided to be reckless assholes anyway._ _

__But Blaine was doing just fine. Really. Truly._ _

__He hadn’t even bothered to put up any Christmas decorations. Brittany had tried to get him to, going so far as to make paper snowflakes and hang them on the walls for him, hoping to inspire him, but nothing came of it. The tree and all the decorations stayed in storage and so did his holiday spirit. He just didn’t feel right celebrating such a wonderful time when he had made the most important people in his life miserable._ _

__By the time the sun had set, Blaine was aching to crawl into bed and go to sleep so that the day could be over. Santana had been lecturing him about how much he slept and how it could be making his depression worse, so instead of going to the bedroom, he lay on the couch, pulling Kurt’s favorite plush throw over him. Throughout the day, he had been picking his cell phone up and staring at Kurt’s contact in his phone, his thumb hovering over the call button. Maybe with it being almost Christmas, Kurt would pick up and they could mend fences and make things back to the way they were?_ _

__As he lay on the couch, he flipped through the channels, trying to find something funny so that maybe he could laugh instead of cry. He stopped on TBS and what else was playing but _Die Hard_. Blaine really didn’t like the movie, he thought it was stupid and Bruce Willis was really never an actor he liked, but it was Sebastian’s favorite Christmas movie, so he and Kurt always caved. Tears welled up in his eyes as he imagined what the current year should have been like - everyone laughing and throwing popcorn at each other while cuddling together on the couch. He picked up his cell phone and opened it up to Kurt’s contact, determined to actually call this time, when a knock came at his front door. _ _

__He got up from the couch and walked to the front door, almost afraid to see who was behind it. He knew he had no reason to be afraid, a murderer or robber wouldn’t knock the door first, right? But he’d had so little contact with the outside world that the idea of having it right in front of his home was slightly jarring. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before reaching out and twisting the handle, pulling the door open._ _

__Kurt. Kurt was there. Kurt was standing there, holding a reusable shopping bag, looking like he had seen better days. His hair was mussed and his eyes were rimmed in red, but Blaine still thought he was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. His brain felt like it was short-circuiting, he wanted to tackle Kurt with a hug, he wanted to kiss him into oblivion, and he also wanted to slam the door in his face. Instead of doing anything, however, he just stood there, frozen, his jaw dropped._ _

__“Uh, hey.” Kurt said quietly, running his unoccupied hand through his hair. “Maybe I should have called first?”_ _

__It took another few seconds, but Blaine managed to pull himself together and stepped to the side, opening the door wider. “No, no, it’s fine, come in.”_ _

__Kurt stepped through the doorway timidly and shrugged off his coat, placing it on the coat rack before handing Blaine the bag he had brought. Blaine gave him a questioning look, but peered inside. What he saw made his heart skip a beat - inside was a box of Blaine’s favorite hot chocolate mix and a bottle of peppermint schnapps. He looked back up at Kurt, but didn’t get a chance to say anything before Kurt began._ _

__“Things aren’t fixed between us. We still need to work things out in order to figure out what’s going to happen here, but it’s Christmas Eve and I miss you and by the looks of it, you miss me too, and I just-” Kurt cut himself off as tears flooded his eyes. “I just really need to be with my best friend right now.”_ _

__Blaine’s heart was pounding in his chest and the tears in Kurt’s eyes threatened some in his own. Instead of speaking, he just nodded his head and took a step forward, resting his chin on Kurt’s shoulder as his arms wound around his waist. “I really need to be with my best friend right now, too.”_ _

__\--_ _

__“You know,” Blaine said with a giggle in his voice. “I really thought I hated _Die Hard_ so much, but it hasn’t felt like Christmas at all this year until just this second.”_ _

__Kurt cleared his throat and took another sip of spiked hot chocolate, laughter in his voice as well. “Yes, well, that makes sense seeing as it’s the best Christmas movie out there!”_ _

__Blaine gasped and shoved Kurt a little. “You always agreed with me when I tried to beg Seb to pick a different movie every year!”_ _

__“Ah yes, I did, but I only did that out of loyalty, not because I really believed it.” Kurt stuck his tongue out at Blaine and they both burst into laughter. Blaine could feel his heart soaring, it felt as though the past two months hadn’t ever happened. He kept trying to remember what Kurt said - Things weren’t fixed, they still needed to talk, but considering how well they were getting along, the more Blaine drank, the more he felt himself letting every single hope he had build in his chest._ _

__“I’ve missed this.” He blurted out. “I’ve missed you so much, Kurt.”_ _

__Kurt’s laughter abruptly stopped and a somber expression formed on his face. “I know you have, Blaine. I just couldn’t deal with everything that happened, it was so much so fast and I felt like I was going to explode from everything I was feeling.”_ _

__“Yeah, I know what you mean.” He agreed, setting his empty mug onto the coffee table. “I felt the same way that first day, and then after you left, Seb and I… we had a pretty bad fight. A really bad one, actually, and then he packed some stuff and left and then it was just me. By myself.”_ _

__Kurt sighed and put his mug down next to Blaine’s before reaching out and putting his hand on top of his. “I needed time, B. I didn’t know how to react to what we’d just done. I’d slept with a married man, Blaine. I was a homewrecker.”_ _

__“Kurt, no, come on.” Blaine objected quickly and loudly._ _

__“Yes, Blaine.” Kurt held up his other hand to stop Blaine from talking. “Sebastian fell asleep, and no matter how drunk we were, we knew what we were doing. We made the conscious decision to ignore that one third of the threesome fell asleep and had sex anyway. You cheated on your husband, you broke the vow you made when you promised to love and cherish him. And I helped you do that. I could barely look at myself in the mirror for a week without feeling like I wanted to throw up.”_ _

__“I didn’t realize you took it so hard.” Blaine looked down at their hands and flipped his over, squeezing Kurt’s hand now held in his._ _

__“To be fair, I didn’t let you know. I just packed my bag and ran.” Kurt sounded a little embarrassed and Blaine looked up at him to see him chewing on his bottom lip._ _

__“I wish you had stayed.” Blaine whispered._ _

__“I needed time, B. I needed to clear my mind and think.”_ _

__“About?”_ _

__“Everything.” Kurt closed his eyes and leaned into Blaine, wrapping his arms around his waist and burying his face into his chest. “Can we stop talking, please? I just want to be with you and pretend like nothing’s changed.”_ _

___But something has changed._ The thought bounced around in Blaine’s mind, but he just bit his lip and nodded. _ _

__“Of course. Anything you want.”_ _


	10. Nothing’s There to Hold You Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from That Pain by Alexz Johnson  
> 
> 
>   
>  _So what's the point in wishing you're done?  
>  Where does everyone have to go this time  
> Why we always walking the line?  
> Chains, stones to the ground  
> Nothing's there to hold you down  
> Whatever we do  
> Who we someday become  
> We already are that now  
> And if it's a dream  
> Stop it from waking me_

New Years Day has got to be the most pointless day in the world, Blaine thought to himself as he poured beer after beer for all of the people coming in to nurse their New Years Eve party hangovers. He hadn’t been one of the lucky ones to have the night off - instead, he’d stayed until closing at 2am, then stuck around to get everything cleaned up. He hadn’t managed to collapse into his bed until almost 4am, and seeing as he had to be back back at 1pm the next day, he was grumpy. 

He’d just served another round to a table of frat guys when he turned around and was attacked by a blonde mass hurtling itself at him. 

“Blaine!” He recognized Brittany’s voice and laughed, bringing his arms around her waist to hug her back. 

“Hey Britt, what are you doing out here?” 

She pulled back from him and nodded her head back at Santana, who had settled at a booth by the front door. “We came in to get some food and to see you! How was your new years?” Her happiness was infectious, and without realizing it, Blaine was suddenly beaming at her. 

“It was fine. I worked, so ya know, nothing exciting.” 

Brittany pouted, her expression taking up her entire face. “Wait, so no new years kiss for you?” 

Blaine laughed and rolled his eyes good naturedly. “Nah, I didn’t want to give it away to just anyone.” 

She smiled and before he knew it, her mouth was on his and she was giving him a small peck on the lips. “There! Now you’ve given it to one of your favorites and you don’t have to worry about giving it to the perfect person anymore! You should go on dates, Blaine, you deserve to be happy!” 

The mention of dating made Blaine wince - he hadn’t considered the idea once since the whole incident went down. Okay, that was a lie - he’d thought about it once, when he was really lonely and extremely horny. He downloaded the Grindr app on his phone and setup his profile, only to stare at the screen as messages started filtering in. After 15 minutes of being frozen to the spot, he exited out of it and deleted it from his phone, acting as though it had never happened. 

“Thanks, Britt.” He managed to get out, forcing himself to sound sincere. And he was sincere, but the wave of nausea that overtook his stomach made it hard to sound that way. 

“Wanna come say hi to Santana?” She reached down and took one of his hands in hers, giving it a squeeze. 

“Give me a few. I have a break coming up, I can sit with you guys for a bit.” 

Brittany squealed in excitement before turning and literally dancing over to join her wife at the table. Blaine took his phone out of his pocket and tapped on the text icon next to Kurt’s name before tapping out a message.

_My first kiss of the New Year has gone to one Brittany S. Pierce. That means the year can only go up from here, right?_

\--

“So, Britt said you didn’t get a kiss last night.” Santana immediately fired at Blaine when he sat down across from them. Blaine groaned and shook his head. 

“Oh my god, Santana, it’s really none of your business.” 

“Excuse you, Blaine the sad, gay clown, but I’ve been helping to get you back to a living person for the past few months, I think it’s a little bit my business.” 

“You aren’t my mother!” Blaine protested, though his argument was laced with laughter. 

“Thank god you aren’t cause if I was, your other mom would have been your first kiss of the new year and just how much more pathetic would that make you?”

He wanted to be mad because really, that was a pretty rude thing to say to someone, but instead he just rolled his eyes and laughed because well, rude or not, it was pretty funny. Before he could say anything else, though, his phone buzzed in his pocket and he got it out quickly, a huge grin overtaking his face when he saw Kurt’s name on the notification screen. 

“Ohhh, Blainey, who’s that?” Brittany said in a teasing voice. “You just got the happiest look on your face!” Blaine held up a finger to indicate he was going to reply to the text before answering. Santana immediately butted in. 

“Britt, that’s his Kurt smile. I know he hasn’t had it on in a while, but you have to recognize it.”

Blaine’s head snapped up and he threw an accusing look at both of the women seated across from him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, either of you. I don’t have a Kurt smile, thank you very much. This is just my regular happy face.” 

Santana immediately shook her head and pursed her lips in a sly smile. “No, Blaine, that’s not true and you know it. Sebastian always got your generic “Oh, my husband is contacting me” smile. Any of your other friends just get a general “Oh, someone’s calling me!” smile. Kurt, however, has always gotten the Kurt smile. The one that shows all over your face how stupidly in love you are with him. It’s been that way since high school and it hasn’t changed a bit.” 

Blaine thought about it for a second as guilt filled his gut. “Are you being serious right now or are you just joking? Because I really need to know.” 

Santana considered the look on his face for a moment before letting her features soften. “I’m half kidding around. You do have a special Kurt smile, but it’s not _as_ obvious as I’m making it out to be.” 

“Do you think Sebastian knew?” 

Santana bit her lip and flicked her eyes down at the table for a second, then back up to his eyes. “Yeah, I think he did.” 

Fuck. 

“I’m a terrible person.” He mumbled sadly as he let his head drop, his chin practically resting on his chest. 

“Blaine, no you’re not.” Santana reached across the table for one of his hands while Brittany moved to sit next to him and laid her head on his shoulder. “You didn’t even know.”

“Doesn’t that make it worse though? I didn’t even know that I wasn’t as in love with my husband as I was with my best friend! Shouldn’t someone know these things about themselves before messing up everyone’s lives?” 

Brittany wrapped her arms around his waist and squeezed him tightly. “You’re one of the nicest guys I know. If you had known, you would have broken up with Sebastian long before any of that happened. Not knowing doesn’t make you bad either, I don’t know a lot of things and I’m not a bad person.”

Blaine couldn’t help but let a small smile slip past his lips at her comment. “No, you’re right, you’re definitely not a bad person, Britt.”

“You’re your own worst enemy, Blaine. You’re allowed to give yourself some slack, you know.” Santana gave him a comforting smile before winking at him. “Besides, you’re one of my best friends and by default, that makes you a pretty awesome person. Anytime you’re feeling blue, just remember that fact and it should make you feel better.” 

“You guys are impossible and ridiculous.” He laughed, leaning into Brittany’s embrace. 

“You love us.” Brittany pinched him lightly on the waist, causing him to let out a small chirp of surprise before giggling some more.

“Yeah, yeah, I guess I do.”

\--

The next few weeks pass by in a blur for Blaine. After the talk he had with Britt and Santana, he started to feel a lot more focused on trying not to hate himself. One of the biggest side effects of his depression and anxiety was a lot of self-loathing. So much so, in fact, that it often manifested itself in the form of thinking that he was a burden to everyone he cared about and trying to make himself smaller and less of a hassle as a result. Instead of continuing to keep going through the cycle it seemed he liked to do, Blaine called around and managed to find a therapist who worked with his schedule and was decently affordable, even without health insurance. The first visit was a bit intimidating, he hadn’t been to see a therapist since his parents forced him to when he came out to them, but he talked about his fears when scheduling the appointment and Dr. Riley assured him that she had no issues working with the LGBTQ+ community, among other things, and he felt reassured enough to make the initial appointment.

He’d also spent a lot more time hanging out with Kurt and they were finally back to the place in their relationship where they had been before the night at the club. They would text throughout the day about random things they saw that reminded them of each other, Kurt would send pictures of silly stuff going on while he was on set, and Blaine would bring him coffee when a day of shooting ran particularly long. Coffee stops turned into lunches, lunch turned into dinners, and before Blaine knew it, they were hanging out as much as they did when they lived together, with the only difference being the obvious - Kurt was _still_ staying at Rachel’s loft.

Blaine wandered around the empty apartment and sighed as he thought about how much his life had changed in such a short amount of time. He could feel himself sinking into the self pity hole he was prone to languishing in, so he pulled out his phone.

_What are you up to tonight?_

**Just about to pour myself a glass of wine and sit down to watch a movie. I’m thinking Moulin Rouge or Hairspray.**

_Ohhh, that sounds great. Wanna pack it up and grab a ride down here? You know I always love a good Moulin Rouge viewing._

**Of course! Give me half an hour, I’ll be there xo**

_See you soon xo_

Butterflies erupted in Blaine’s stomach with the hugs and kisses sign off Kurt had thrown at him - it was the first time he’d done it and Blaine had reacted in kind because well, it wasn’t a lie? And maybe that meant Kurt was trying to feel him out for… no. Blaine cut off that line of thinking because he knew where it would lead and he couldn’t lose his best friend again, he really couldn’t. 

Blaine put on a pair of jogger sweatpants and an old Dalton t-shirt. If they were going to be watching movies, he wanted to be comfortable. Sure, Kurt would probably show up styled to the nines because he always looked perfect, even when he wasn’t trying, but he didn’t feel pressured to put on a show for Kurt - he was slowly coming to the conclusion that he was accepted by Kurt just the way he was. Maybe he should have seen it before, but it didn’t matter because at least he was finally getting there. 

He’d just turned on the TV and queued up _Moulin Rouge_ when he heard a scraping at the door lock, followed by the door opening. 

“Honey, I’m home!” Kurt called out cherrily and a huge smile broke out on Blaine’s face. It really did feel like old times. 

Blaine walked into the hall and met him there, giving him a big hug when they saw each other. “Missed you.” Blaine murmured happily, warmth flooding through his stomach. 

“You just saw me yesterday.” Kurt teased, but he squeezed Blaine tighter.

“Still missed you.” Blaine smiled and shrugged before taking a step back. “Wine?” Kurt simply nodded and followed him into the kitchen. Blaine took out two glasses while Kurt uncorked the bottle and poured. They went to the living room and sat down on the couch, Blaine throwing their favorite blanket over them before grabbing the remote. 

“ _Moulin Rouge_?” Blaine grinned slyly over at Kurt and was met with an equally sly look. 

“But of course.” Kurt took a sip of his wine before curling his legs up under him. Blaine swung his arm around the back of the couch, hoping his intentions weren’t terribly obvious. Kurt gave him a quick side glance before a small smile appeared on his face. Blaine completely expected to be called out on his lame move, but instead, Kurt just put his glass on the coffee table and curled into Blaine’s side, nestling his head on his chest the same exact way they used to during movie nights without Sebastian. 

Blaine sighed and let his heart fill with joy and revel in just exactly how happy he was in that exact moment.


	11. Through The Good and The Bad and The Ugly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from Forever and Always by Parachute  
> 
> 
>   
>  _She sits by his bedside  
>  Holds his hand too tight  
> They talk about the kids they're gonna have  
> And the good life  
> The house on the hillside  
> Where they would  
> Stay, stay there forever_

Kurt slowly started moving his things back into the apartment the weekend after he and Blaine watched _Moulin Rouge_ together. Blaine never said anything, but he noticed that Kurt’s closet started to fill up again and he was there more frequently. After almost a week and a half of staying silent, Blaine couldn’t take it anymore - he needed to talk to Kurt about moving back in. 

It was early morning on a Thursday, 3:34am to be exact, and he was beat. His shift at the bar was brutal for some reason, people being demanding as anything and making Blaine’s life hell in the process. By the time he was able to drag himself home, he was ready to collapse as soon as the front door closed behind him. He’d spilled a beer or three on himself throughout the night, however, so he knew a shower was an absolute necessity before crawling into bed. 

He walked into the apartment and closed the door behind him, but instead of collapsing, he turned around and about jumped out of his skin. He might’ve also emitted a small sound that sounded like a child’s scream, but he’d deny it if anyone asked. The table lamp next to the couch was on and someone was curled up on the cushions, a blanket pulled up tight around them. It took Blaine all of two seconds to realize that it wasn’t a stranger, but Kurt laying there, though his racing heart didn’t slow down much at the realization. He laughed at himself under his breath before moving to the couch, reaching out to shake Kurt’s shoulder lightly. 

“Hey sleepy head.” He said softly, unable to keep the affection out of his voice. He couldn’t help it, just thinking about Kurt anymore was enough to get Blaine smiling and out of any bad mood he was in at any time for any reason. 

Kurt stirred under his hand and opened his eyes slowly, blinking up at him sleepily. “Hey, you.” He pushed himself up to a seated position and rubbed his eyes. “What time is it?” 

“It’s almost 4am, I got off work really late. You almost gave me a heart attack when I walked in, I wasn’t expecting to see anyone here.” 

Kurt laughed a little before yawning. “I was waiting up for you. I was hoping you would get off early.” 

Blaine bit the inside of his lip and shrugged a little, feeling bad. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were going to be waiting or I would have tried to be first cut.” 

Kurt smiled and reached out, placing one of his hands over one of Blaine’s and giving it a squeeze. “Don’t apologize, and don’t feel bad either, Blaine. It’s my fault, not yours.” He blinked a few more times, clearly still drowsy and not thinking clearly from the nap he’d taken. 

“Still, I feel bad you ended up asleep on the couch. You have a bed here, ya know. You’re allowed to sleep in it.” 

Kurt instantly seemed focused and on high alert at Blaine’s words and that triggered Blaine’s anxiety like nothing else. “Well, actually, that was something I wanted to talk to you about tonight. Or, er, I guess this morning?” 

Blaine’s traitorous heart was pounding out of control again, his anxiety taking over his rational responses. Wanting to talk was never something he wanted to hear from anyone because he automatically assumed it would be something bad. “Oh yeah? What, uh, what about it?”

Kurt squeezed his hand again and smiled effortlessly, helping to ease Blaine’s fears a little bit. “You look petrified. It’s not a bad talk, B, I just wanted to open up a discussion about the possibility of me possibly moving back into the apartment. I know that so much has changed, and then it’s changed again, but with you and me being in a better place, I feel like we might be able to make a timeline?” Blaine just stared at Kurt blankly, unable to figure out what to say without sounding like an over-excited fool. Kurt’s cheeks turned red at the lack of response and he kept going. “Or not, it’s totally fine, if you’re not ready for that, I’m more than happy to-”

“YES!” Blaine shouted out, jumping a little at exactly how loud his voice came out with the declaration. Kurt jumped, too, and the sight caused Blaine to burst into laughter. Kurt looked at him a bit confused before the laughter became contagious and he joined Blaine. After a minute, they managed to catch their breath and Kurt took a second to recompose himself. 

“Are you sure? I know this is a big step, and it’s really sudden and out of the blue-”

Blaine cut him off again. “Kurt, I’m sure. I’ve been sure for a few weeks, I just didn’t know how to ask you to come back. This is your apartment anyway, you never should have had to leave in the first place.” 

“This was all of our home’s, Blaine, I wrecked your marriage, how could I have asked you to leave your house, too?” 

Blaine smiled in spite of himself and looked down at the couch. “You didn’t wreck anything, Kurt. You know it was already on its way to failing.”

“Hey.” Kurt’s finger lifted Blaine’s chin up so that they met eye to eye. “If you don’t let me take the blame, then I’m not letting you take the blame either. Sometimes, people just aren’t meant to be together forever. It happens, and it sucks, but you guys had a good marriage, right? All of the good times still mean something, even if they’ve ended now.” 

Blaine felt tears burn his eyes and he felt embarrassed at the show of emotion. He thought he had long since been done crying over his failed marriage. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He managed to get out over the lump in his throat. 

“No, Blaine, you know I’m right.” The smile that Kurt gave him slowly worked its way to Blaine’s lips and after a beat, the somber moment had lifted. 

“So, do you want to start moving back in tomorrow?”

Kurt’s face lit up and he nodded happily. “Truth be told, I’ve actually been moving my stuff back in little by little over the past week. I didn’t want to have to worry about hiring movers or anything, especially when it really wasn’t enough to do that.” 

Blaine laughed. “Yeah, I’ve noticed you doing that.”

Kurt’s jaw dropped and he looked at Blaine in surprise. “Wait, you knew I was moving my stuff back in and you didn’t say anything?” 

It was Blaine’s turn to feel his cheeks heat up. “I mean, ya know, I noticed that your closet had started getting more full lately. And your favorite blanket appeared back on the bed Tuesday night.” Not that Blaine noticed because he curled up in it after he got off of work and showered so that he could be surrounded by the scent of Kurt. Nope, he definitely wouldn’t do something like that. 

“Why didn’t you say something to me?” 

“I didn’t want to scare you off.” Blaine scrubbed his hand down his face and laughed. “In my head, if I approached you about it, you would just deny that that’s what you were doing and then you’d never come back.” 

“Well, I’m coming back, Blaine, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” 

Blaine looked into his eyes and believed every word he said immediately. He went to speak, but was broken off by a yawn. He looked at his phone and groaned when he saw it was 4:15am. “Oh my god, it’s so late, I’m gonna die.” 

“Let’s go to sleep then, sleepy head.” Kurt echoed Blaine’s earlier sentiment and it made Blaine’s heart flutter. 

“I smell like beer, I need to shower.” 

“So shower, then come to my room.” Kurt turned as soon as he said that and walked to his room, leaving Blaine astonished in his wake. 

Blaine hurried to the bathroom and bathed in record time, pulling on his sweatpants while he was still slightly damp because he didn’t have any time to waste. What would Kurt want him to come back to his bedroom for? 

Blaine approached his door and peered in, smiling as he saw Kurt laying on the right side of the bed, as he always did, with the covers pulled up to his chin. “I’m glad to have you back, roomie.” He turned to go back to his room, too afraid to admit even to himself that he was a little disappointed. 

“Wait!” Kurt called out and Blaine turned back around immediately. 

“Yes?” He tried to keep the hope out of his voice, but probably didn’t succeed. 

“Will you stay with me tonight? Just to cuddle?” Kurt looked like he wanted to say something more, but when he didn’t, Blaine just nodded and stepped into the room. 

“Of course.” He slipped into the bed and turned onto his side, pulling the covers over his shoulders. Kurt smiled and clicked off the lights with his remote and tossed it to the end table. 

They lay there in silence for a few minutes, Blaine wondering if Kurt felt just as awkward as he did. They’ve known each other for almost half of their lives, why would something as harmless as platonic cuddling be something that could give them such a hang up?

“Stop overthinking things.” Kurt finally broke the silence and scooted closer to Blaine, snaking an arm around his waist. “I can hear your brain working so hard and it doesn’t need to.” 

Blaine took a deep breath and let it out, trying to expel all of the pent up anxiety that had built up in his body. “I don’t know why I do this, it’s not like we haven’t ever done this before. It just feels like this is different.” 

“Why is it different?” Kurt pulled his head back from Blaine so that they were far enough away to be able to look at each other. 

“I don’t know.” He bit his lip, not wanting to make things more awkward than they already were. 

“We’re still the same best friends we’ve been since you took my hand and led me down the halls of Dalton all those years ago, B.” Blaine’s heart skipped a beat thinking about the moment that he had convinced himself would change his life forever. 

“Yeah, I know we are. It just feels like we’re more fragile now, ya know?” 

“You and I are anything but fragile, Blaine. We are rock solid. No matter what life has thrown at us, we’ve always come back to each other, right? We’re meant to be in each others lives in one way or another, the universe has been telling us that for 14 years.”

Blaine ached to tell Kurt that it was awkward because he wanted to be back with Kurt, to hold him and love him and kiss him and make up for every single day they spent apart, but if he did that, there was a chance that Kurt would have to tell him that he didn’t feel the same way and then the friendship they’d worked so hard to get back to? Would be gone, just like that. 

“You know I can’t just accept things at face value, I have to overanalyze everything and look for every single reason something is wrong or weird before accepting that it might actually just be good.” 

Kurt laughed and buried his face in Blaine’s chest. “Yeah, I know. Now stop it, I’m tired.” 

Blaine smiled as he wrapped his arms around Kurt’s back and held him close, burying his nose into his hair so that he could be surrounded by him. “Good night, Sleeping Beauty.” 

“Good night, Prince Charming.” 

As he felt Kurt drifting off in his arms, Blaine felt his brain begin to wind up again, ready and waiting to continue thinking about all of the bad things that could come out of their need for comfort from each other. Instead of letting himself go down that road, however, he pushed it out of his mind because the feeling of having Kurt in his arms again was more than enough reason to trust that things actually were good.


	12. Spend Our Lives Chasing Gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from Better Half of Me by Tom Walker  
> 
> 
> _I'd have all I need  
>  If you were standing right in front of me  
>  I'll finally see what it means to be complete  
>  Don't need to spend our lives chasing gold  
>  Anywhere with you, I'll call my home  
>  Oh, I'd have all I need  
>  If you'd be the better half of me_
> 
> _If you'd be the better half of me  
>  Yeah, will you be the better half of me?  
>  Will you be the better half of me?_

Valentine’s Day spent as a freshly divorced man living with his best friend/love of his life was what Blaine would classify as torture. He wanted to tell Kurt how he felt, how he’d felt for years and years, but he was scared. Scared of rejection, scared of messing up the best thing in his life for the thousandth time, and scared that maybe things between he and Kurt might actually…

Work?

Honestly, the idea of living happily ever after with Kurt scared Blaine more than any other possibility because that would mean that he would be putting all of his trust into one person, besides himself, and they would then hold the power to possibly break him. Even though he thought he’d given his heart to Sebastian, he now knew that he hadn’t - no, he kept large parts of his heart, the most vulnerable parts and the most meaningful parts, away from his ex-husband because he wasn’t ready to be exposed like that. 

The idea of giving all of that to Kurt, however terrifying, was almost exhilarating. Blaine had never taken a leap of faith before, his anxiety never allowed him to. Even when he and Kurt were together in high school, he still kept parts of himself hidden because he could not relinquish control. Maybe that was why he and Kurt never worked out in the first place? Was Blaine simply just not ready to be with him? 

Making plans for Valentine’s Day with Kurt was almost nostalgic, except, of course, for the fact that he and Kurt were making plans platonically. Still, he got to spend the day with his favorite person, regardless of their relationship, and really, that was all he could ask for. 

The day started off with breakfast in bed. Kurt woke up and made Blaine pancakes and sausage and sat with him while he ate. Once Blaine was finished, Kurt returned to his bed and Blaine made him french toast and turkey bacon. It was also served to Kurt while in bed with Blaine keeping him company. Sure, it was cheesy, incredibly cheesy, actually, but it was a fun idea and it made Blaine feel like they were equals in the relationship. 

After breakfast, Kurt took the lead and brought them into Manhattan via town car. Blaine almost felt embarrassed at the spectacle he imagined they were causing, but when they got out of the car, no one gave them a second glance because everyone was so absorbed in their own lives. It was strangely comforting for Blaine and it colored the mood for the rest of the day. As they walked along west 42nd street, Blaine couldn’t help but look at the city through new eyes. It seemed like a lifetime ago that he had moved to New York City, a fresh faced 18 year old kid, and over time, he had let himself become immune to the charm of the city. Kurt grabbed his hand and Blaine looked over at him, a smile taking over his entire face. 

“This is the best Valentine’s Day ever.” Blaine blurted out. 

Kurt laughed and gave his hand a squeeze. “It’s barely even started yet!” 

Blaine’s cheeks turned slightly red, he could feel the heat, but it didn’t make the smile budge at all. “Yeah, but I feel like I’m waking up after spending the last decade in a fog.” 

Kurt didn’t say anything in reply, though he did smile and look down at the ground shyly. Blaine nudged his shoulder with his own and then pointed to a spot about halfway down the block. “This is our next stop.” 

“The movie theater?” Kurt screwed up his face. They hadn’t told each other what each of them had planned, but the look on Kurt’s face obviously showed that going to a movie could ruin his next turn. 

“No, dork. Look further down.” 

“Um, Joe and the Juice?” Kurt gave him a severe side eye. “Blaine, we are not going to a juice bar today.” 

Blaine rolled his eyes and shook his head. They were only a few hundred feet away by that point, so he didn’t tell him to guess again. When they reached Kreuther Handcrafted Chocolate, Kurt’s eyes lit up. 

“Oh my god, you did not! This is my favorite chocolate place in the world!” 

“That’s the whole point, silly.” Blaine reluctantly let go of Kurt’s hand to hold the door open for him. “After you, good sir.” 

Kurt looked like he was going to say something sarcastic back, but instead, he just smiled and walked inside. 

Blaine followed him and signaled to one of the men working the register. He immediately came out from behind the counter and approached the pair.

“Gentlemen, your table awaits. My name is Derek and I’ll be taking care of you this morning.” He led them to the corner where a small two person table was set up with chairs on either side. Blaine couldn’t tear his eyes from Kurt’s face because his reaction was absolutely everything. Blaine saw happiness, joy, amusement, bewilderment, and confusion flash across his face all within a matter of a second. 

Blaine pulled out the closest chair for Kurt, then sat down across from him. There wasn’t any time to talk before Derek was back, placing two mugs on the table, along with a plate filled with macaroons. He looked at Kurt expectantly and wasn’t disappointed when an actual squeal came from his lips. 

“Hot chocolate and macaroons?! Blaine, seriously, how did you make this happen? They don’t have a waitstaff here, they don’t even like for you to stay at the couches too long!” 

Blaine just shrugged and held out a macaroon for Kurt to take. “I have secrets.” Really, Blaine had waved a hundred bucks at Derek a couple of weeks ago if he would be willing to serve them for an hour. College kids in NYC were pretty easy to bribe.Kurt gave him a questioning look, but took the macaroon and got lost in the deliciousness. 

They sat together for the hour, Derek bringing them different chocolates and treats to taste. By the time they were done, both of them were holding their stomachs in pain. “Too much chocolate.” Kurt groaned, getting up from his seat and stretching. Blaine followed him out of the shop before turning to him again. 

“Alright, it’s your turn. Where to next?” 

Kurt’s face morphed from agony to a devilish grin in less than a second. “Follow me.” They crossed the street to Bryant Park and Blaine took a second to take in the beauty of the park, along with reliving one of the best memories he had in his life - ice skating with Kurt on Christmas Eve. Even if they had broken up, they still missed each other and wanted to be in each other’s lives, kind of similar to their present situation.He followed Kurt until he stopped in front of the skating rink. 

“Stay here.” Kurt took off before Blaine could say anything else. Blaine just took it in stride, he had an idea of what Kurt had planned now that he was at the rink, but his heart felt so full that he couldn’t concentrate on anything else. 

A moment later, Kurt came hurrying back to him, two pairs of ice skates in hand. “One for you.” He handed Blaine a pair. “And one for me!” 

“We’re ice skating?” Blaine asked. Adoration laced his voice and he could hear it, but he was absolutely powerless to stop it.

“Yes.” Kurt looked over at him and Blaine saw his cheeks were bright red, from being called out, not from the cold. “This was one of my favorite memories of ours from way back when. I wanted to recreate it with you.” 

Blaine felt tears sting the back of his eyes as a lump formed in his throat. Kurt had remembered that night, and clearly it meant as much to him as it had to Blaine considering they were there again, about to make more memories. 

“Is this okay?” A worried expression formed over Kurt’s face and Blaine was quick to shake his head and forced a watery smile to his face. 

“It’s perfect.” He managed to get out before his voice broke and he chose to not continue trying to talk. 

They laced their skates up and walked onto the ice. Blaine took to it as though he’d been born on the ice, taking off immediately to do a lap around the rink. He glanced back over at where he’d left Kurt and laughed to himself as he saw that Kurt looked exactly as he had last time - like a newborn deer taking its first steps. Blaine skated around the rest of the rink and stopped when he reached Kurt’s side. “Need a hand?” 

“Always.” Kurt instantly linked their fingers together and Blaine took the lead, taking them around the oval ice slowly.

They skated for almost 45 minutes when Kurt finally said he was done. “This is so much more work than I remember. My legs feel like jelly and my ass hasn’t had this much of a workout in years!” 

Blaine’s face burned hot as he struggled to contain a dirty laugh. Of course Kurt didn’t mean it in a sexual way, of course not, but he was a 12 year old boy and found humor in anything remotely sexual because what was maturity?

“Oh my god, Blaine!” Kurt smacked him on the shoulder and Blaine jumped back in defense. “You know I didn’t mean it that way!” Blaine couldn’t hold it in any longer - he started laughing, hard, as they walked to the bench where they left their shoes. He laughed until his stomach hurt and he could barely breathe. He glanced at Kurt and saw his best friend just sitting next to him, arms folded over his chest, attempting to glare at him. His attempt failed, though, because he started laughing shortly after and before long, they were falling over each other. 

Tears slid down Blaine’s face as he finally managed to catch his breath and sit upright. “I’m sorry I’m such a child. I don’t know what came over me.” He wiped at the tears with the back of his hand before leaning down to unlace the skates. 

“You know I wouldn’t expect anything less.” He bumped shoulders with Blaine as he leaned down to remove his own skates. “Though I do have to admit, it _has_ been a pretty long time since my ass had a workout of that sort, too.” With that, he got up and grabbed both of their skates, walking over to return them, leaving Blaine with his jaw dropped and his mind reeling. 

Was Kurt _flirting_?

\--

Blaine had made after dinner plans, so they spent the rest of the day exploring NYC as though they were tourists. Kurt got stopped quite a few times for pictures, something Blaine still wasn’t used to. Kurt’s show had become even more popular in the past year than it had been, and he was seeing a huge boost in popularity because of it. As he stood to the side and watched Kurt take pictures with his fans and even sign a few autographs, Blaine waited for the seething jealousy to overtake his body, to turn his stomach into knots and his brain into a self-loathing monster. 

Instead, though, he just smiled and felt happy. Kurt was doing something he loved - he put in the work for it and got the recognition he deserved. Jealousy was the furthest thing from his mind and it shocked the hell out of him. 

When Kurt was finished, they went and had dinner, enjoying a couple of cocktails a piece before heading back out. “Where are we going now?” 

“You’ll see.” Blaine grinned and grabbed Kurt’s hand. They’d pretty much been holding hands since ice skating, and it felt so natural, like their hands were molded for each other. Kurt rolled his eyes at Blaine’s answer, but quickly matched his look and followed Blaine down the street. The sun had set and the air was getting much colder, making Blaine wish he’d brought a scarf and gloves. He started to shiver as they walked, but almost as soon as he did, Kurt slipped an arm around his waist and pulled him close. 

“You look about as cold as I do.” He murmured in Blaine’s ear, causing a shiver to run down his back. 

“Thanks for warming me up.” Blaine bit his lower lip and if he slowed his pace a little bit in order to prolong the contact, well, that was his business. 

They made it to _Callbacks_ , the piano bar they’d frequented while in college. “Blaine, I haven’t been here in years!” 

“Me neither.” He admitted, shrugging off his coat and taking Kurt’s with him to the coat check. They quickly found a place to sit, lucky enough to get a good view of the stage, and Kurt got up to get them drinks. Blaine started sweating as he looked at his watch - only five more minutes. 

When Kurt rejoined him, he took his drink with a smile and downed half of it in one gulp. “Hey there, this isn’t a race, you don’t have to chug these.” Kurt said with a laugh. 

“Liquid courage.” Blaine explained, and poorly at that, based on the look Kurt gave him. Blaine just shook his head and reached back out for one of Kurt’s hands, which he promptly gave him. One person got to the stage and performed something amazing, judging by the cheers she got when she was finished. Blaine had spent her entire number trying not to have a panic attack, so he hadn’t even noticed. 

“And next on this beautiful Valentine’s night, we have a performance by Blaine Anderson!” 

“Blaine, what…?” Kurt trailed off as Blaine dropped his hand and got up. He caught his eye and all of a sudden, every single bit of panic he had been feeling was gone. He was with Kurt, doing something for him, and Kurt accepted him for who he was and always would. Calm overtook his body and he gave Kurt a quick wink before hopping on stage. 

When he settled down on the piano bench, he tapped a few keys to get a feel for how the piano played. “Hey there everyone, I’m Blaine and I’m here tonight with my best friend, Kurt. Can everyone please say hello?” He gestured over to the table Kurt now occupied alone and a loud chorus of “Hello Kurt!” echoed through the room. 

“Thank you, that was so sweet of you guys.” He looked down at the piano and started playing notes he hadn’t played in years, but knew he would never forget. “Now Kurt and I used to come to this bar a lot in college. We’ve been best friends since I was 15, you see, we even dated for a few years back in high school.” Blaine paused to clear his throat from the lump threatening to form. “The thing is, Kurt is my absolute best friend in the world. He is one of the only people I know will have my back, without a doubt, and he loves me unconditionally. I’m so lucky to have this man in my life, and I can’t think of a better way to express it to him than through song.” 

Blaine glanced over at Kurt and saw recognition flood his face as Blaine amped up the chords of the song he’d chosen. “The last time I played this song, I sang it because I was in a bad place and had done something I still regret with my entire being to this day. Tonight, I want to sing this song so that I can redefine what it means to me, and hopefully what it means to us.” 

_You think I'm pretty  
Without any make-up on  
You think I’m funny  
When I tell the punchline wrong  
I know you get me  
So I’ll let my walls come down, down_

_Before you met me  
I was alright  
But things were kinda heavy  
You brought me to life  
Now every February  
You’ll be my valentine, valentine_

Blaine got lost in the song as he continued singing, his fingers sliding over the keys effortlessly. He felt like he’d never stopped performing, taking breaths at all the right places and never missing a note. His eyes closed as he started the next verse and he let himself get lost in the music, letting the familiarity take over. 

The song was over before Blaine was ready for it to be, but then he opened his eyes and he met Kurt’s gaze, he felt at peace. He thanked everyone and got a standing ovation for his performance. Sure, it sounded a little made up, but he really did and he felt like he was on top of the world. He walked off stage and went back over to the table, stopping in front of Kurt. 

“That was, that was for me?” Kurt had tears in his eyes and Blaine felt as though he was about two seconds from losing it himself. 

“It’s for you. Everything has always been for you.” Blaine reached his hands out and Kurt took them, letting himself be pulled up so that they were standing in front of each other. 

“Does this mean…?” Kurt trailed off, but looked into Blaine’s eyes expectantly. 

Blaine nodded. “This means that I love you, Kurt. I’ve never stopped loving you, I will always love you.” Tears finally broke free from his eyes and he swiped them away with the back of one of his hands.

“I love you, too.” Kurt’s voice cracked on the last work and he bit his lower lip. 

“Can I kiss you now?” Blaine asked, feeling a little silly for the question, but it was important. Instead of answering, Kurt brought his hand to the back of Blaine’s neck and leaned down, their mouths meeting in a haze of sweet perfection. 

They stood there for a few moments, kissing each other as though it was the first time all over again. They were brought back to reality by the sound of loud applause and even some catcalling. Blaine looked over his shoulder and saw the entire bar looking at the pair of them. His face went red for what felt like the hundredth time that day, but when he looked back up at Kurt and saw nothing but love pouring from his expression, he didn’t care. 

Everything Blaine needed was in his arms, right where it had always been.


End file.
